Here are the pieces of my heart.

I feel like my heart probably resembles this one in a lot of ways.

My heart has been broken, beaten, and bruised. I'm not talking just relationships. I mean life, job, friends, love, on and on I could go.

I think in the past I've been careless with my heart, flippantly carrying it in my hand from place to place, tossing it in my backpack as I encountered the issues in life. So I suppose I have myself to blame for it's current condition.

I am starting to realize that I have gone to the other extreme. Where I used to be careless with my heart, I am now over-protective. Where I used to allow it to take chances, I now keep it hidden from the world, so as not to inflict more damage. I tend to keep it wrapped in 20 lbs of heavy blankets and then locked away in a trunk.

I've done my heart a disservice both ways. So how does one find the balance? I'm not sure I know. I'm not sure I know how to, but I have to try. Because when I locked my heart up, I locked up a part of my great adventurer, I locked away the will to take great chances. I miss those things, I feel like they are suffocating and slowly dying in the isolation booth I have set them in.

So I'm trying to find the balance. I realize that my heart might get smashed to smithereens. I realize there might not be any great adventure, and I am aware that there may never be one great love. But what good will a heart in tact merit me at the end of my life, if it has not seen, if has not done, if it has not lived?

That's a chance I don't want to take....

Oh Crap

Do ever have that feeling of complete dread? Like the sh*t is about to hit the fan? You just know it's coming.

I am suddenly overwhelmed with that feeling. Except I don't know what it is. I mean I have a feeling some drama is coming, but I don't know what the drama could be. I just have this awful feeling.

I don't know what it could be, I just know I don't like it.

I'll let you know what it ended up being if anything.

- S

Upside Down

This is how I currently feel. Have you ever been on a path, just living life only to wake up one day and feel like you are in the Twilight Zone? The last week and a half have been my Twilight Zone. There are normal things happening around me, regular life stuff, so I know I haven't lost my mind. There have been happy things and things to celebrate and I think those are things that have kept me sane.

The other stuff? It's all just too bizarre to put into print. Give me a call sometime when you are ready for a, laugh till you cry and the scratch your head as you wonder what the heck just happened, moment.

I know that "they" say trials build character, but what does insanity build? I'd like to think that in some way I will be a better person on the other side of all of this insanity. But I can't think of how it would make me a better person.

As I type insanity has reared it's unstable head and is messing with my relatively calm evening.

Did you know....

That when insanity is around you shouldn't drink coffee - it's a stimulant and in the midst of crazy it messes with your nervous system

That your heart rate can increase rapidly in a matter of seconds when the insanity starts?

You are more likely to sleep better if you have a glass of water and say a prayer over the crazy before you retire for the evening?

(**please note these are not the opinions of doctors, nor professionals - just simply Sandrine-isms)

I don't know how to cut the crazy, but I have to. Somehow, someway! Isn't the Twilight Zone only a 30 minute show?? Cause my 30 minutes passed about 20 episodes ago!

Crossroads

Crossroads are amazing and scary things. They have so much potential and can lead you on great adventures or painful journeys.

I am standing at my own crossroads. It seems like more than one actually, work, life, relationships. Maybe they are tied together. Either way, I'm standing right in the middle, trying as hard as I can with my feeble human abilities to look as hard as I can to see what's along the journey of each of them. They all will contain some bit of heartache, that is inevitable. But will the joy outweigh the pain, will following the wrong path lead me to something miserable that I might not recover from?

I feel like the past 4 years I've made some monumental mistakes. Some of them knowingly, but most of them not. And although it has been miserable at times, I don't know that I would change the mistakes I've made for the lessons I've learned because of them.

I am standing at a crossroad bad decisions once again waiting for me to choose them, good decisions not pestering me to choose them, but standing there hoping I will. But they aren't giving me any clear direction. I have to choose a path, I have no way of knowing if it's the right one or not. But I will choose and I will drag those good and bad choices along with me and hope I choose the right one along the way.

Burnin Up

It's a slow burn. I heard something and I took it with a grain of salt, almost dismissed it. But the more it has been expounded upon, the more I think about it, the more it starts to burn me up. Maybe it shouldn't. Maybe I'm overreacting. And yet it feels totally justified to be this pissed off. Maybe it is my fault, maybe I should know better. Then again, if you know me, you know.

The reality is I have myself to blame, so I guess that takes away my right to be pissed. And that just pisses me off more.

CAUTION

Needy vs. In Need

Two things that almost sound the same, but that are so very different. Both require so much of a person and are often hard to give.

If you know me well, you know that I don't do needy. Yes, we all want to be needed on some level, but I don't want to be needed like that. Does that make sense? Probably not let me break Needy down for you in my mind. Needy - looking to fill a void or an empty space, hope or desire for something to fill that void. Here's the thing with Neediness, it passes. Once that void is filled, once the turmoil is over, you are no longer needed, you are dismissed in a sense. As cheese at it sounds, I don't want to play Pooh to anyone's Christopher Robin. (Thank you Beautiful Women, that's one of the greatest lines ever!)

But a friend in need is completely different. More times than not, the person in need isn't looking for you to do anything for that need. My heart hurts thinking about the friends in need that I can't help meet that need. As much as I want to do something to have some solution to meet that need, I can't.

And that is what is keeping me up thinking tonight.