Almost Honest

I've been thinking a lot about honesty. I'm not talking truth vs. lie, I'm talking about openness, being real, being honest about what you think and feel.

I was thinking back to younger Sandrine, when telling a story of something that happened or something that was going on, in my description of the situation or circumstances, I always included how I felt. I described my thoughts and emotions in every situation. In particular, I'm thinking about my teen & young adult years. My friends at the time, they didn't make fun of it, but they found it amusing. In every story or they would stop me and ask, "Wait, how were you feeling?". It never "hurt" my feelings, but I became keenly aware of what I shared. Maybe people didn't really want to know what I was feeling.

I don't think my young mind truly processed it at the time, but hindsight I can see where I stopped sharing my emotions. You have to be in the inner circle and willing to dig a little to get my real feelings and emotions. (Yes, I'm fully aware of how unhealthy that is).

A couple of weeks ago I was put on the spot. It
wasn't a question that was life or death that needed to answer, but it was a question that would require me to be a little vulnerable and share what I might really be thinking or feeling. Instead I laughed it off and made an escape. You know what's sad about all of that? I wanted/needed someone to ask that question, so I could get answers myself. But that would've required some honesty from myself. Why is that so scary? In part I know it was scary because I didn't know what the other answer would be, but hadn't I been complaining about needing an answer?

What right do I have to be angry or upset at someone else's lack of candid honesty, when I can't/won't give it myself??

I'm not wanting to be the girl that attaches her emotions to everything, but I do think it's time to be the girl that is real & honest with her emotions and what she is feeling.

So I guess it begins here....

Fill In The Blank Friday

1. The best thing I did all week was acknowledge things for what they are and not what I want them to be. I'm ready to be at Chapter 3, but the truth and healthy reality is, I'm still writing Chapter 1 in this new volume of life.
2. Super cute, sweet babies make me super happy.
3. Pets are someone else's right now, but I do feel like I'm ready for one.
4. I love my job, and I'm getting healthier are the best thing about my life...right now.
5. With the cooler weather I am looking forward to I'm actually looking forward to any cooler weather. I'm ready for closed toed shoes, tall boots, winter skirts, sweaters & scarves!
6. Something that's on my "wish list" right now is a trip to see my bestie and her new baby, Sydney, new boots, and a vacation to a beautiful semi quiet place in the world.
7. This weekend I am going to ... sadly I have no big weekend plans. Since starting at the church my "weekend" is broken up between Saturday and Monday. But I will try to rest, I will do something just for me, and I will let go of all of the mess ups and failures of the week, and I will celebrate the good and beautiful things that happened during the week instead. I will focus on what is to come.

What are you fill in the blanks today?

Nice? What does that even mean?

I recently had a conversation via Twitter with a colleague/friend Jon Pyle about one of my favorite books and movies, Pride and Prejudice, which then turned into an interesting observation by Jon and an even more interesting conversation.


Jon shared that in talking about this story (one that his wife Amanda loves, and one that he is growing to like and appreciate more) that something struck him. There is nothing "nice" about Mr. Darcy, yet there are women who simply love and adore Mr. Darcy. I am included in those who think that he one of the best male literary characters ever and do often wish he truly existed in my world. That being said, the thought is - what exactly is "nice"?


Webster defines nice the following ways: 1) pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory 2) fine or subtle 3) (archaic) fastidious; scrupulous 


Translate all of that to : Boring, nondescript, doormat. Mr. Darcy comes off as pompous, arrogant, and rude (those are all essentially the same thing, but go with me). Anyway, upon digging a little deeper we find that Mr. Darcy in fact is a very shy and kind hearted man. But never would he be characterized as "nice".


When a woman says, "he's too nice", what does that really mean? After Jon laid his thoughts on niceness out for me, I started to reflect on all of those that I had deemed to nice, and found that they were in fact, quite boring. There was nothing in particular that stood out about them. They  are men that I could run all over with my sometimes overbearing strong personality. Which then raises another question - do I want a "bad guy". Not at all, in fact the men that I have been the most attracted and drawn to, were strong men, guys who knew what they wanted, and had a strong presence. 


I don't know yet where I'm going with this, but it's given me a lot to think about. Do I categorize people, men in particular as nice guys or bad guys? Do I want a bad guy, or do I simply want a man that is not boring, that has strength, that leaves an impression, and when you get down to it, is truly kind hearted.


Jon's mission is to obliterate niceness. I think this is a challenge I am willing to accept. I am sure that there are people who have put me in that nice category, so it's time for some evaluation, what does my presence say to the people around me? 


Interesting thoughts Mr. Pyle, interesting thoughts!

Thank You Is Not Enough

October will mark 5 years that I have been back in San Antonio. As I have said many times before, when I moved back here I certainly never thought I'd be here this long. What some of you don't know is that when I moved back here I was a mess. I had recently left a job that in all honesty had put me off of being involved in "ministry" and gave me a great distrust for God's people. Not to mention a host of other crazy that brought me to a place of telling myself it was time to go home and it was time to get my life together.

I'm sure my family knew I was a mess, but it wasn't up for discussion on my part, but they could see that I was a hurt and jaded person coming back. I visited church, on occasion, but I was not really interested in being there or being a part of a "body". In my mind at that time I was okay with God, but I wasn't crazy about His people. I had a job that was in no way close to church or ministry work and I was more than happy with that. Sometimes I felt as though I dealt with less there than I ever did in ministry. 

Fast forward 2 years, I started to regularly attend a church, one that was different than other churches I had attended and the people seemed more authentic. It's through that church that I ended up at the job I am at today. Event Coordinator at TriPoint. My new boss had actually been on staff at the church that I was attending, so in my mind that validated him as "good people". This is David Robbins... In interviewing with him I knew that we would work well together and I knew that we would get along. What I didn't know, is how he would change my life, and my perception of ministry and of God's people.

I have worked with David just shy of a year and one thing I've noticed in that time is that everyone who has worked for David - spoke in such high regard of him. They call and visit with him, the seek him out for wise council. David is the heart of ministry. I watch him as he serves his family, he serves his church which is where he also works. In everything he does I have noticed he looks for ways to be Jesus to the people around him. Watching him, being led by him, blesses me daily.

Two weeks ago I was offered a position on staff at the church I attend, City Church Downtown. If I had been asked to even consider joining a church staff as recent as a year ago I would have not just said no, but it would have been a resounding HELL NO. While I love my church I still wasn't in a place to work at church. Yes, I work for a church now - but I'm not in ministry, I am a part of ministry, yes. I don't know quite how to explain it, but somewhere in my little mind it all makes sense. I digress.... anyway, my first answer to the offer was no. I was conflicted and just couldn't decide if it was the right move for me. I prayed and asked for friends to pray, on and on it went. Deep down I wanted that position, but I wasn't unhappy with where I am, I have a great boss - why would I leave that? And to work at a church?? After even more prayer and more soliciting prayer from friends I knew that I needed to take the position.

There are things that I will miss about where I am right now, the cafe just outside my door, the interesting people I encounter on a daily basis, the pool table that we can play a game of pool at when the day needs a little pick me up, etc... But most of all I will miss David. If not for him I know I would not be in a place emotionally or spiritually to take this job. He doesn't know that he has helped heal some of those past wounds, and that as I watch him encounter some his own trials with believers and non believer with grace and humility I have learned how to be gracious and that God works not because of us, but in spite of us.

David - Thank you does not begin to express my appreciation for you and all that you have taught me over the last year. I am excited about this new chapter but I am incredibly sad that you will not be a part of my day to day. Who will tell me ridiculous stories? Go out of their way to startle me with a clap as they walk into the office? Mock me for having a musicals station on Pandora? Or randomly sing - "Ooooooooooooweeeeee, What's Up Wit Dat?" You can guarantee that I will be among many who have nothing but kind things to say about you, who call you, and come to visit with you randomly, and who still seek your advice and wise council. 

Thank you is simply not enough....

I'll admit it, I'm judging you.

I consider myself to be a fairly open minded person. I have friends from all different aspects of life, traveling the path of life various different ways. It's part of what makes me love them all so much. How boring would this world be if we all followed my path and approach to life (One it really would be ridiculously boring as I tend to be boring as of late & nothing would be accomplished as I am all over the place in true ADD fashion).

I like to live in a judgement free zone. There are things that I don't agree with, things that I don't like, but I try to stay out of a place of judgement, which by the way is Biblical (Matthew 7:1 Do not judge, or you too will be judged). So here I am, with all these people that I love from different places, different faiths, different orientations - I guess you can say I'm proud of that. I don't know if that's good or bad, but that's not the point to this blog post.

Today I realized that there is a group of people that I judge, and I found myself very unapologetic about my judgement and felt validated in my judgement. I watched a "charity event" taking place today - the event was put on by a group (30-40 something) women with money. The moment I walked in I feel my self righteous judgment coming forth. The extravagance going into this event the hoopla, the hair, the makeup, the decor... "Wasn't this to benefit a charity? Where's the info on the charity? Oh on that small table? I'm sorry what does the rest of this have to do with the charity?" On and on it went in my head. Then almost as justification from a distance I saw people attending this event to benefit a charity walk without a second glance or thought by someone who could have used their charity of simply opening the door at that very moment.

So I here I stand in judgement, Due to the fact that they can give and then give some more to the issue, whether their hands "get dirty" or not. Getting my hands dirty helps but it doesn't always solve the issue. They are addressing the issue, just in a different way - right? What they are doing matters and helps. But really with all the excess crap? Couldn't you have saved on some of this other "junk" and put that toward the issue you are trying to help? Why aren't you talking about the issue? Why is there only a flier and a poster about it? Are you really doing anything?

So now I'm questioning myself - am I being a judgmental jerk? I know that the answer when I really get down to it is yes, but aren't I right in this situation? Am I really any better than them? And even if I am right - what is my judgement meriting them or me? The truth is, regardless of their financial status, clothes, event - they are just like me, and just like you. People who are doing life in this messed up world where the issues outnumber the people and they are doing the best they know how in every situation.

{Alone}

I will not compromise simply to avoid being alone. 

Fill In the Blank Friday

1.   I am currently obsessed with       ADELE. The woman has stupid talent, and her new album is amazing. Today is the first day since it's release on Tuesday that I haven't listened to it all day.

2.  Today I am    tired     because,    I signed a lease on a new apartment with my good friend Jill this week. We started staying at the new place on Wednesday. I think the excitement of a new apartment - downtown no less has effected my sleep  .

3.  The age I am is    34     and the age I feel is    Some days I feel like I'm still 23, and like I'm just really getting started with my adult life and the world is mine to conquer. Then there are days where I feel 34, and that depresses me a little, I feel like I should be further along in the 34 years than where I'm currently at. Then there are a few exceptions when I feel like I'm 60, and I want life to slow down and I wonder where time has gone, and why is everyone so freaking young.

4.  My favorite place is     the place where I can be. No one to have answers for, the place where I can simply be quiet, be loud, be obnoxious, be kind, be funny, be sad, create, just sleep, walk, sit.Right now that's a few places, home, my Mom's, a hotel on the beach.

5.  Something I have been procrastinating is     There's a work situation that I have to deal with, I've been praying that it would take care of itself, but with each passing day it is becoming clear that it's not. I need to pick up the phone and deal with it, but it give me a headache and makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

6.  The last thing I purchased was        a bottle of wine to celebrate Linda being cancer free!

7.  The thing I love most about my home is       I love being downtown - it's where I was meant to be I think. I have a great roommate! I feel like after a few crappy months this is the beginning of a new happy season, and lots of good things  .

Great Expectations

What if we just started to expect great things? What if we just anticipated that good things can and will happen? It's not an easy task. I think about the disappointment that can come with expecting. But right now I think that's a chance I'm willing to take.

I'm not expecting or anticipating any big thing. No surprises, no Prince Charming on my doorstep. While those would be nice it's not what I'm talking about.

I suppose what I'm talking about a place of surrender. Okay Jesus - I don't know what's ahead on this path, but I know that this is the path you've put me on, so there's got to be something good, something great up ahead, so I'll follow and anticipate something good. It might just be that I learn something new. Perhaps I will see things with a new perspective. Or maybe it's not about me at all.

I am expecting great things.

Stupid Forgiveness

So in recent weeks at church we've been talking about dealing with conflict, forgiveness, taking up others offenses, etc... I've sat through all of these teachings and thought, "These are awesome words. I really hope this is speaking to someone, and Oh I should write that down and remember that for the next time I have an issue." That's probably not accurate of what I was thinking, the truth is, I know that some of the things being said applied to me and my life - just not right at the moment.


Yesterday, I read something a conversation of sorts between two people. It made me so angry and it had absolutely nothing to do with me - aside from the fact that I used to have an issue with one of the people. Note the *used to*. Later in the day I was talking with one of my best friends Annetta, about my anger and without a thought I said, "I hate X, I really do, and I don't feel bad saying that." WHOA! What? I said I was done with that, where did that come from?


As the evening progressed and I thought more and more about it I began to realize, I said I was over it, I said I was done with it, but I never forgave. They didn't ask for my forgiveness as a matter of fact I'm sure my forgiving them isn't even on their radar. But that's not the issue, I wonder in all of my anger, my hurt, & my wishes for 1,000 plagues to fall upon this person... what have I missed that Jesus might have for me in the midst of my anger and unforgiveness? 


This morning I came across this verse - 1 Kings 8:50: And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their captors to show them mercy. And my first thought was, Shut up! I don't want to forgive this person, I want the 1,000 plagues to fall on them and I want a front row seat to see it all go down. And then I read this, Matthew 6:14: For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Dangit! There's no way to escape it! But the really I hate the way I feel regarding this person. 


Right now, at least in my mind and heart there is no chance to reconcile, but that's not the point. I am reduced them down to nothing but a liar and manipulator in my mind and heart. I want to be done and over it, and even though I have nothing to do with this person, the fact is I will continue to be angry and stop movement and growth in my own life. So I guess that leaves me here, forgiving. That's not to say that tomorrow or even a week from now that I won't think about it and have those feelings again - but when that time comes I will forgive them and I will continue to do so until my heart and mind are on the same page. 


Jesus is continually gracious and forgives my many blunders and mess ups on a daily basis, if He extends that grace to me, who am I to withhold grace from someone else?

Fill In the Blank Friday

I'm lacking creativity today, so I'm doing the copycat thing. Thanks Melissa!

You should do it too. 

If my house was on fire and I could only grab 3 things, For sure I'd grab my jewelry, my journals, & the 2 stuffed animals that I've had since childhood

A smell I really like is Baby Lotion. It makes me think of sweet little babies cuddled up next to you. I love it! 

Something you might not know about me is regardless of what I say, I care about people, a lot. I want to fight the fights for the underdog, my heart breaks to see others broken. I am horrible at ending relationships/friendships because I hate for things to be undone. So if I end something, you know it was bad bad bad and could not be fixed.

Some of my favorite websites to putter about on are Blogger is actually one of my favorites because I hop around to different blogs and read everyone's ramblings. I also frequent the websites of my former boss and other groups we were on tour with, just to see what's going on, or if they have a concert anywhere near me.

This weekend I will work. It's what I do. AND after I work on Saturday, I'll drive to Austin to have dinner with my good friend Jodee who's in town from Iowa on business. I'm very excited to spend some time with her!

Nothing makes me happier than random gifts and phone calls. I hate the phone, but those calls from people that live far away or that I don't get to spend time with that often just to say hello or I'm thinking about you, totally make my day, The same with random gifts - there's no point to it, I just want to let you know you were on my mind. LOVE!

A bad habit I have is right now I think my bad habit is I'm over committed to work. I love my job, and so sometimes there's a tendency for it to not feel like a chore to be here all of the time. But the result is that I'm tired, and my life is becoming this place. I need more, but I also need help here, there's too much for one person, which is why I feel the need to always be here. It's a vicious cycle.


So there it is - my random ramblings for today. I'll try to update this weekend with something that has more substance. :)

Fill In The Blank Friday

I got this from The Bigger(s) Picture who got it from The Little Things We Do And I thought it was a cute idea so I'm jacking the idea and playing along. Feel free to do so too!

1.   My favorite quote is       Is much longer than a line. It's kind of my life quote, by Cardinal John Henry Newman. "God has created me to do Him some definite service.

He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may not know what it is in this life. But I shall be told in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for nothing. I shall do good. I shall do His work. Therefore I will trust Him. Whatever I do, wherever I am, I cannot be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about."

2.  A bad habit I have is    I tend to over commit or I don't commit at all. It's something I actually despise about myself. In an effort to make time for everyone I tend to commit myself to multiple things, but often ending up cutting my time short with people to make "time" for everyone. And then knowing that I have a tendency to do that, I over correct and then don't commit at all. I'm working on this one.

3.  The first time I felt like a "grown up" was       when signed the lease on my first apartment by myself. Living by myself, paying rent by myself. That and buying my car. No co-signing, no help, it was all quiet liberating.

4.  Weekends are   sometimes a distant memory. I have come to realize that I may be a workaholic. (Or maybe I'm updating my blog instead of doing work)So my weekends as of late seem to be spent at work. This is also something I'm working on this year, spend less time at work. I've failed miserably at this so far this year.

5.  When I was a child I wished my name was     Monique. Which is actually my middle name. There was a time when I thought I'd never learn how to spell Sandrine and I got tired of people slaughtering my name.

6.  I wish        I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller. Ok, not really. I wish I could travel the world and never have to worry about money. I have a lot of wishes right now, but since I don't know who all is reading this I'm not sure I want to share all of my bidness with you. But my blogger friends I'm sure are attune to some of the things I wish for .

7.  A secret I have is       Well it wouldn't be a secret if I told you would it? I've got lots of secrets and I'm content to keep them as just that, secret .

(Silent)

Get Your Head Out of Your Butt

For days I've been wanting to post this on facebook, but I have enough conservative friends that I haven't because - well I just don't want to fight about it. And while they might check my blog from time to time it's their choice to come in and read my mental vomit. My house, my rules, I can say what I want.


I think we can all agree that what happened in Arizona last week was horrific. Our hearts have broken for every victim of such a senseless act. Simply thinking about a child being hurt, much less killed breaks my heart and it brings tears to my eyes.


Over the last couple of days these ridiculous posts have been popping up, If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, and cars drive drunk, and on and on it goes. While we all recognize that it takes someone to have the thought and pull the trigger - this seems to be such a callous - and quite honestly asshole-ish thing to say.


I'm sure I've already offended half of you with my language. Again I say - DEAL. My house, my rules, I say what I want.


A man killed those people. Agreed. But our gun laws made it way too easy to let such an unstable person have access to a weapon in which he was able to pull off such an act. Am I wrong to feel that we have some sort of responsibility to know the mental stability of who has the right to carry a gun? If the Army doesn't deem you mentally capable of serving/killing for your country why in the world would I want to put a gun in your hands on any average day??


This isn't a conservative/liberal rant, this is me talking about us as a country/government/people accepting some responsibility for allowing things to get this bad. Some would like to blame Sarah Palin. Do I think Sarah Palin is responsible for this guy choosing to kill these people. No. I don't know that for sure, I wouldn't dare put that on her. But I do think we have come to a place in time where we all have to be careful with what we say and what we put out there for crazy to jump on.


So to you, "guns don't kill people", folks out there - think of the victims and survivors of this attack and ask yourself if they feel the same way. Do they want to hug and thank the business that allowed this man to have a gun? Do the parents of that 9 year old little girl give a damn about pencils & misspelling? I don't care if you have a gun or not. I'm not against guns, but I do think we need to be more careful about who we let have them.


Rant Over.


Thank you and Good Day