Almost Honest

I've been thinking a lot about honesty. I'm not talking truth vs. lie, I'm talking about openness, being real, being honest about what you think and feel.

I was thinking back to younger Sandrine, when telling a story of something that happened or something that was going on, in my description of the situation or circumstances, I always included how I felt. I described my thoughts and emotions in every situation. In particular, I'm thinking about my teen & young adult years. My friends at the time, they didn't make fun of it, but they found it amusing. In every story or they would stop me and ask, "Wait, how were you feeling?". It never "hurt" my feelings, but I became keenly aware of what I shared. Maybe people didn't really want to know what I was feeling.

I don't think my young mind truly processed it at the time, but hindsight I can see where I stopped sharing my emotions. You have to be in the inner circle and willing to dig a little to get my real feelings and emotions. (Yes, I'm fully aware of how unhealthy that is).

A couple of weeks ago I was put on the spot. It
wasn't a question that was life or death that needed to answer, but it was a question that would require me to be a little vulnerable and share what I might really be thinking or feeling. Instead I laughed it off and made an escape. You know what's sad about all of that? I wanted/needed someone to ask that question, so I could get answers myself. But that would've required some honesty from myself. Why is that so scary? In part I know it was scary because I didn't know what the other answer would be, but hadn't I been complaining about needing an answer?

What right do I have to be angry or upset at someone else's lack of candid honesty, when I can't/won't give it myself??

I'm not wanting to be the girl that attaches her emotions to everything, but I do think it's time to be the girl that is real & honest with her emotions and what she is feeling.

So I guess it begins here....

Fill In The Blank Friday

1. The best thing I did all week was acknowledge things for what they are and not what I want them to be. I'm ready to be at Chapter 3, but the truth and healthy reality is, I'm still writing Chapter 1 in this new volume of life.
2. Super cute, sweet babies make me super happy.
3. Pets are someone else's right now, but I do feel like I'm ready for one.
4. I love my job, and I'm getting healthier are the best thing about my life...right now.
5. With the cooler weather I am looking forward to I'm actually looking forward to any cooler weather. I'm ready for closed toed shoes, tall boots, winter skirts, sweaters & scarves!
6. Something that's on my "wish list" right now is a trip to see my bestie and her new baby, Sydney, new boots, and a vacation to a beautiful semi quiet place in the world.
7. This weekend I am going to ... sadly I have no big weekend plans. Since starting at the church my "weekend" is broken up between Saturday and Monday. But I will try to rest, I will do something just for me, and I will let go of all of the mess ups and failures of the week, and I will celebrate the good and beautiful things that happened during the week instead. I will focus on what is to come.

What are you fill in the blanks today?

Nice? What does that even mean?

I recently had a conversation via Twitter with a colleague/friend Jon Pyle about one of my favorite books and movies, Pride and Prejudice, which then turned into an interesting observation by Jon and an even more interesting conversation.


Jon shared that in talking about this story (one that his wife Amanda loves, and one that he is growing to like and appreciate more) that something struck him. There is nothing "nice" about Mr. Darcy, yet there are women who simply love and adore Mr. Darcy. I am included in those who think that he one of the best male literary characters ever and do often wish he truly existed in my world. That being said, the thought is - what exactly is "nice"?


Webster defines nice the following ways: 1) pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory 2) fine or subtle 3) (archaic) fastidious; scrupulous 


Translate all of that to : Boring, nondescript, doormat. Mr. Darcy comes off as pompous, arrogant, and rude (those are all essentially the same thing, but go with me). Anyway, upon digging a little deeper we find that Mr. Darcy in fact is a very shy and kind hearted man. But never would he be characterized as "nice".


When a woman says, "he's too nice", what does that really mean? After Jon laid his thoughts on niceness out for me, I started to reflect on all of those that I had deemed to nice, and found that they were in fact, quite boring. There was nothing in particular that stood out about them. They  are men that I could run all over with my sometimes overbearing strong personality. Which then raises another question - do I want a "bad guy". Not at all, in fact the men that I have been the most attracted and drawn to, were strong men, guys who knew what they wanted, and had a strong presence. 


I don't know yet where I'm going with this, but it's given me a lot to think about. Do I categorize people, men in particular as nice guys or bad guys? Do I want a bad guy, or do I simply want a man that is not boring, that has strength, that leaves an impression, and when you get down to it, is truly kind hearted.


Jon's mission is to obliterate niceness. I think this is a challenge I am willing to accept. I am sure that there are people who have put me in that nice category, so it's time for some evaluation, what does my presence say to the people around me? 


Interesting thoughts Mr. Pyle, interesting thoughts!

Thank You Is Not Enough

October will mark 5 years that I have been back in San Antonio. As I have said many times before, when I moved back here I certainly never thought I'd be here this long. What some of you don't know is that when I moved back here I was a mess. I had recently left a job that in all honesty had put me off of being involved in "ministry" and gave me a great distrust for God's people. Not to mention a host of other crazy that brought me to a place of telling myself it was time to go home and it was time to get my life together.

I'm sure my family knew I was a mess, but it wasn't up for discussion on my part, but they could see that I was a hurt and jaded person coming back. I visited church, on occasion, but I was not really interested in being there or being a part of a "body". In my mind at that time I was okay with God, but I wasn't crazy about His people. I had a job that was in no way close to church or ministry work and I was more than happy with that. Sometimes I felt as though I dealt with less there than I ever did in ministry. 

Fast forward 2 years, I started to regularly attend a church, one that was different than other churches I had attended and the people seemed more authentic. It's through that church that I ended up at the job I am at today. Event Coordinator at TriPoint. My new boss had actually been on staff at the church that I was attending, so in my mind that validated him as "good people". This is David Robbins... In interviewing with him I knew that we would work well together and I knew that we would get along. What I didn't know, is how he would change my life, and my perception of ministry and of God's people.

I have worked with David just shy of a year and one thing I've noticed in that time is that everyone who has worked for David - spoke in such high regard of him. They call and visit with him, the seek him out for wise council. David is the heart of ministry. I watch him as he serves his family, he serves his church which is where he also works. In everything he does I have noticed he looks for ways to be Jesus to the people around him. Watching him, being led by him, blesses me daily.

Two weeks ago I was offered a position on staff at the church I attend, City Church Downtown. If I had been asked to even consider joining a church staff as recent as a year ago I would have not just said no, but it would have been a resounding HELL NO. While I love my church I still wasn't in a place to work at church. Yes, I work for a church now - but I'm not in ministry, I am a part of ministry, yes. I don't know quite how to explain it, but somewhere in my little mind it all makes sense. I digress.... anyway, my first answer to the offer was no. I was conflicted and just couldn't decide if it was the right move for me. I prayed and asked for friends to pray, on and on it went. Deep down I wanted that position, but I wasn't unhappy with where I am, I have a great boss - why would I leave that? And to work at a church?? After even more prayer and more soliciting prayer from friends I knew that I needed to take the position.

There are things that I will miss about where I am right now, the cafe just outside my door, the interesting people I encounter on a daily basis, the pool table that we can play a game of pool at when the day needs a little pick me up, etc... But most of all I will miss David. If not for him I know I would not be in a place emotionally or spiritually to take this job. He doesn't know that he has helped heal some of those past wounds, and that as I watch him encounter some his own trials with believers and non believer with grace and humility I have learned how to be gracious and that God works not because of us, but in spite of us.

David - Thank you does not begin to express my appreciation for you and all that you have taught me over the last year. I am excited about this new chapter but I am incredibly sad that you will not be a part of my day to day. Who will tell me ridiculous stories? Go out of their way to startle me with a clap as they walk into the office? Mock me for having a musicals station on Pandora? Or randomly sing - "Ooooooooooooweeeeee, What's Up Wit Dat?" You can guarantee that I will be among many who have nothing but kind things to say about you, who call you, and come to visit with you randomly, and who still seek your advice and wise council. 

Thank you is simply not enough....

I'll admit it, I'm judging you.

I consider myself to be a fairly open minded person. I have friends from all different aspects of life, traveling the path of life various different ways. It's part of what makes me love them all so much. How boring would this world be if we all followed my path and approach to life (One it really would be ridiculously boring as I tend to be boring as of late & nothing would be accomplished as I am all over the place in true ADD fashion).

I like to live in a judgement free zone. There are things that I don't agree with, things that I don't like, but I try to stay out of a place of judgement, which by the way is Biblical (Matthew 7:1 Do not judge, or you too will be judged). So here I am, with all these people that I love from different places, different faiths, different orientations - I guess you can say I'm proud of that. I don't know if that's good or bad, but that's not the point to this blog post.

Today I realized that there is a group of people that I judge, and I found myself very unapologetic about my judgement and felt validated in my judgement. I watched a "charity event" taking place today - the event was put on by a group (30-40 something) women with money. The moment I walked in I feel my self righteous judgment coming forth. The extravagance going into this event the hoopla, the hair, the makeup, the decor... "Wasn't this to benefit a charity? Where's the info on the charity? Oh on that small table? I'm sorry what does the rest of this have to do with the charity?" On and on it went in my head. Then almost as justification from a distance I saw people attending this event to benefit a charity walk without a second glance or thought by someone who could have used their charity of simply opening the door at that very moment.

So I here I stand in judgement, Due to the fact that they can give and then give some more to the issue, whether their hands "get dirty" or not. Getting my hands dirty helps but it doesn't always solve the issue. They are addressing the issue, just in a different way - right? What they are doing matters and helps. But really with all the excess crap? Couldn't you have saved on some of this other "junk" and put that toward the issue you are trying to help? Why aren't you talking about the issue? Why is there only a flier and a poster about it? Are you really doing anything?

So now I'm questioning myself - am I being a judgmental jerk? I know that the answer when I really get down to it is yes, but aren't I right in this situation? Am I really any better than them? And even if I am right - what is my judgement meriting them or me? The truth is, regardless of their financial status, clothes, event - they are just like me, and just like you. People who are doing life in this messed up world where the issues outnumber the people and they are doing the best they know how in every situation.

{Alone}

I will not compromise simply to avoid being alone. 

Fill In the Blank Friday

1.   I am currently obsessed with       ADELE. The woman has stupid talent, and her new album is amazing. Today is the first day since it's release on Tuesday that I haven't listened to it all day.

2.  Today I am    tired     because,    I signed a lease on a new apartment with my good friend Jill this week. We started staying at the new place on Wednesday. I think the excitement of a new apartment - downtown no less has effected my sleep  .

3.  The age I am is    34     and the age I feel is    Some days I feel like I'm still 23, and like I'm just really getting started with my adult life and the world is mine to conquer. Then there are days where I feel 34, and that depresses me a little, I feel like I should be further along in the 34 years than where I'm currently at. Then there are a few exceptions when I feel like I'm 60, and I want life to slow down and I wonder where time has gone, and why is everyone so freaking young.

4.  My favorite place is     the place where I can be. No one to have answers for, the place where I can simply be quiet, be loud, be obnoxious, be kind, be funny, be sad, create, just sleep, walk, sit.Right now that's a few places, home, my Mom's, a hotel on the beach.

5.  Something I have been procrastinating is     There's a work situation that I have to deal with, I've been praying that it would take care of itself, but with each passing day it is becoming clear that it's not. I need to pick up the phone and deal with it, but it give me a headache and makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

6.  The last thing I purchased was        a bottle of wine to celebrate Linda being cancer free!

7.  The thing I love most about my home is       I love being downtown - it's where I was meant to be I think. I have a great roommate! I feel like after a few crappy months this is the beginning of a new happy season, and lots of good things  .