I'll admit it, I'm judging you.

I consider myself to be a fairly open minded person. I have friends from all different aspects of life, traveling the path of life various different ways. It's part of what makes me love them all so much. How boring would this world be if we all followed my path and approach to life (One it really would be ridiculously boring as I tend to be boring as of late & nothing would be accomplished as I am all over the place in true ADD fashion).

I like to live in a judgement free zone. There are things that I don't agree with, things that I don't like, but I try to stay out of a place of judgement, which by the way is Biblical (Matthew 7:1 Do not judge, or you too will be judged). So here I am, with all these people that I love from different places, different faiths, different orientations - I guess you can say I'm proud of that. I don't know if that's good or bad, but that's not the point to this blog post.

Today I realized that there is a group of people that I judge, and I found myself very unapologetic about my judgement and felt validated in my judgement. I watched a "charity event" taking place today - the event was put on by a group (30-40 something) women with money. The moment I walked in I feel my self righteous judgment coming forth. The extravagance going into this event the hoopla, the hair, the makeup, the decor... "Wasn't this to benefit a charity? Where's the info on the charity? Oh on that small table? I'm sorry what does the rest of this have to do with the charity?" On and on it went in my head. Then almost as justification from a distance I saw people attending this event to benefit a charity walk without a second glance or thought by someone who could have used their charity of simply opening the door at that very moment.

So I here I stand in judgement, Due to the fact that they can give and then give some more to the issue, whether their hands "get dirty" or not. Getting my hands dirty helps but it doesn't always solve the issue. They are addressing the issue, just in a different way - right? What they are doing matters and helps. But really with all the excess crap? Couldn't you have saved on some of this other "junk" and put that toward the issue you are trying to help? Why aren't you talking about the issue? Why is there only a flier and a poster about it? Are you really doing anything?

So now I'm questioning myself - am I being a judgmental jerk? I know that the answer when I really get down to it is yes, but aren't I right in this situation? Am I really any better than them? And even if I am right - what is my judgement meriting them or me? The truth is, regardless of their financial status, clothes, event - they are just like me, and just like you. People who are doing life in this messed up world where the issues outnumber the people and they are doing the best they know how in every situation.

{Alone}

I will not compromise simply to avoid being alone. 

Fill In the Blank Friday

1.   I am currently obsessed with       ADELE. The woman has stupid talent, and her new album is amazing. Today is the first day since it's release on Tuesday that I haven't listened to it all day.

2.  Today I am    tired     because,    I signed a lease on a new apartment with my good friend Jill this week. We started staying at the new place on Wednesday. I think the excitement of a new apartment - downtown no less has effected my sleep  .

3.  The age I am is    34     and the age I feel is    Some days I feel like I'm still 23, and like I'm just really getting started with my adult life and the world is mine to conquer. Then there are days where I feel 34, and that depresses me a little, I feel like I should be further along in the 34 years than where I'm currently at. Then there are a few exceptions when I feel like I'm 60, and I want life to slow down and I wonder where time has gone, and why is everyone so freaking young.

4.  My favorite place is     the place where I can be. No one to have answers for, the place where I can simply be quiet, be loud, be obnoxious, be kind, be funny, be sad, create, just sleep, walk, sit.Right now that's a few places, home, my Mom's, a hotel on the beach.

5.  Something I have been procrastinating is     There's a work situation that I have to deal with, I've been praying that it would take care of itself, but with each passing day it is becoming clear that it's not. I need to pick up the phone and deal with it, but it give me a headache and makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

6.  The last thing I purchased was        a bottle of wine to celebrate Linda being cancer free!

7.  The thing I love most about my home is       I love being downtown - it's where I was meant to be I think. I have a great roommate! I feel like after a few crappy months this is the beginning of a new happy season, and lots of good things  .

Great Expectations

What if we just started to expect great things? What if we just anticipated that good things can and will happen? It's not an easy task. I think about the disappointment that can come with expecting. But right now I think that's a chance I'm willing to take.

I'm not expecting or anticipating any big thing. No surprises, no Prince Charming on my doorstep. While those would be nice it's not what I'm talking about.

I suppose what I'm talking about a place of surrender. Okay Jesus - I don't know what's ahead on this path, but I know that this is the path you've put me on, so there's got to be something good, something great up ahead, so I'll follow and anticipate something good. It might just be that I learn something new. Perhaps I will see things with a new perspective. Or maybe it's not about me at all.

I am expecting great things.

Stupid Forgiveness

So in recent weeks at church we've been talking about dealing with conflict, forgiveness, taking up others offenses, etc... I've sat through all of these teachings and thought, "These are awesome words. I really hope this is speaking to someone, and Oh I should write that down and remember that for the next time I have an issue." That's probably not accurate of what I was thinking, the truth is, I know that some of the things being said applied to me and my life - just not right at the moment.


Yesterday, I read something a conversation of sorts between two people. It made me so angry and it had absolutely nothing to do with me - aside from the fact that I used to have an issue with one of the people. Note the *used to*. Later in the day I was talking with one of my best friends Annetta, about my anger and without a thought I said, "I hate X, I really do, and I don't feel bad saying that." WHOA! What? I said I was done with that, where did that come from?


As the evening progressed and I thought more and more about it I began to realize, I said I was over it, I said I was done with it, but I never forgave. They didn't ask for my forgiveness as a matter of fact I'm sure my forgiving them isn't even on their radar. But that's not the issue, I wonder in all of my anger, my hurt, & my wishes for 1,000 plagues to fall upon this person... what have I missed that Jesus might have for me in the midst of my anger and unforgiveness? 


This morning I came across this verse - 1 Kings 8:50: And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their captors to show them mercy. And my first thought was, Shut up! I don't want to forgive this person, I want the 1,000 plagues to fall on them and I want a front row seat to see it all go down. And then I read this, Matthew 6:14: For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Dangit! There's no way to escape it! But the really I hate the way I feel regarding this person. 


Right now, at least in my mind and heart there is no chance to reconcile, but that's not the point. I am reduced them down to nothing but a liar and manipulator in my mind and heart. I want to be done and over it, and even though I have nothing to do with this person, the fact is I will continue to be angry and stop movement and growth in my own life. So I guess that leaves me here, forgiving. That's not to say that tomorrow or even a week from now that I won't think about it and have those feelings again - but when that time comes I will forgive them and I will continue to do so until my heart and mind are on the same page. 


Jesus is continually gracious and forgives my many blunders and mess ups on a daily basis, if He extends that grace to me, who am I to withhold grace from someone else?

Fill In the Blank Friday

I'm lacking creativity today, so I'm doing the copycat thing. Thanks Melissa!

You should do it too. 

If my house was on fire and I could only grab 3 things, For sure I'd grab my jewelry, my journals, & the 2 stuffed animals that I've had since childhood

A smell I really like is Baby Lotion. It makes me think of sweet little babies cuddled up next to you. I love it! 

Something you might not know about me is regardless of what I say, I care about people, a lot. I want to fight the fights for the underdog, my heart breaks to see others broken. I am horrible at ending relationships/friendships because I hate for things to be undone. So if I end something, you know it was bad bad bad and could not be fixed.

Some of my favorite websites to putter about on are Blogger is actually one of my favorites because I hop around to different blogs and read everyone's ramblings. I also frequent the websites of my former boss and other groups we were on tour with, just to see what's going on, or if they have a concert anywhere near me.

This weekend I will work. It's what I do. AND after I work on Saturday, I'll drive to Austin to have dinner with my good friend Jodee who's in town from Iowa on business. I'm very excited to spend some time with her!

Nothing makes me happier than random gifts and phone calls. I hate the phone, but those calls from people that live far away or that I don't get to spend time with that often just to say hello or I'm thinking about you, totally make my day, The same with random gifts - there's no point to it, I just want to let you know you were on my mind. LOVE!

A bad habit I have is right now I think my bad habit is I'm over committed to work. I love my job, and so sometimes there's a tendency for it to not feel like a chore to be here all of the time. But the result is that I'm tired, and my life is becoming this place. I need more, but I also need help here, there's too much for one person, which is why I feel the need to always be here. It's a vicious cycle.


So there it is - my random ramblings for today. I'll try to update this weekend with something that has more substance. :)

Fill In The Blank Friday

I got this from The Bigger(s) Picture who got it from The Little Things We Do And I thought it was a cute idea so I'm jacking the idea and playing along. Feel free to do so too!

1.   My favorite quote is       Is much longer than a line. It's kind of my life quote, by Cardinal John Henry Newman. "God has created me to do Him some definite service.

He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may not know what it is in this life. But I shall be told in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for nothing. I shall do good. I shall do His work. Therefore I will trust Him. Whatever I do, wherever I am, I cannot be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about."

2.  A bad habit I have is    I tend to over commit or I don't commit at all. It's something I actually despise about myself. In an effort to make time for everyone I tend to commit myself to multiple things, but often ending up cutting my time short with people to make "time" for everyone. And then knowing that I have a tendency to do that, I over correct and then don't commit at all. I'm working on this one.

3.  The first time I felt like a "grown up" was       when signed the lease on my first apartment by myself. Living by myself, paying rent by myself. That and buying my car. No co-signing, no help, it was all quiet liberating.

4.  Weekends are   sometimes a distant memory. I have come to realize that I may be a workaholic. (Or maybe I'm updating my blog instead of doing work)So my weekends as of late seem to be spent at work. This is also something I'm working on this year, spend less time at work. I've failed miserably at this so far this year.

5.  When I was a child I wished my name was     Monique. Which is actually my middle name. There was a time when I thought I'd never learn how to spell Sandrine and I got tired of people slaughtering my name.

6.  I wish        I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller. Ok, not really. I wish I could travel the world and never have to worry about money. I have a lot of wishes right now, but since I don't know who all is reading this I'm not sure I want to share all of my bidness with you. But my blogger friends I'm sure are attune to some of the things I wish for .

7.  A secret I have is       Well it wouldn't be a secret if I told you would it? I've got lots of secrets and I'm content to keep them as just that, secret .