So in recent weeks at church we've been talking about dealing with conflict, forgiveness, taking up others offenses, etc... I've sat through all of these teachings and thought, "These are awesome words. I really hope this is speaking to someone, and Oh I should write that down and remember that for the next time I have an issue." That's probably not accurate of what I was thinking, the truth is, I know that some of the things being said applied to me and my life - just not right at the moment.
Yesterday, I read something a conversation of sorts between two people. It made me so angry and it had absolutely nothing to do with me - aside from the fact that I used to have an issue with one of the people. Note the *used to*. Later in the day I was talking with one of my best friends Annetta, about my anger and without a thought I said, "I hate X, I really do, and I don't feel bad saying that." WHOA! What? I said I was done with that, where did that come from?
As the evening progressed and I thought more and more about it I began to realize, I said I was over it, I said I was done with it, but I never forgave. They didn't ask for my forgiveness as a matter of fact I'm sure my forgiving them isn't even on their radar. But that's not the issue, I wonder in all of my anger, my hurt, & my wishes for 1,000 plagues to fall upon this person... what have I missed that Jesus might have for me in the midst of my anger and unforgiveness?
This morning I came across this verse - 1 Kings 8:50: And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their captors to show them mercy. And my first thought was, Shut up! I don't want to forgive this person, I want the 1,000 plagues to fall on them and I want a front row seat to see it all go down. And then I read this, Matthew 6:14: For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Dangit! There's no way to escape it! But the really I hate the way I feel regarding this person.
Right now, at least in my mind and heart there is no chance to reconcile, but that's not the point. I am reduced them down to nothing but a liar and manipulator in my mind and heart. I want to be done and over it, and even though I have nothing to do with this person, the fact is I will continue to be angry and stop movement and growth in my own life. So I guess that leaves me here, forgiving. That's not to say that tomorrow or even a week from now that I won't think about it and have those feelings again - but when that time comes I will forgive them and I will continue to do so until my heart and mind are on the same page.
Jesus is continually gracious and forgives my many blunders and mess ups on a daily basis, if He extends that grace to me, who am I to withhold grace from someone else?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Fill In the Blank Friday
I'm lacking creativity today, so I'm doing the copycat thing. Thanks Melissa!
You should do it too.
If my house was on fire and I could only grab 3 things, For sure I'd grab my jewelry, my journals, & the 2 stuffed animals that I've had since childhood
A smell I really like is Baby Lotion. It makes me think of sweet little babies cuddled up next to you. I love it!
Something you might not know about me is regardless of what I say, I care about people, a lot. I want to fight the fights for the underdog, my heart breaks to see others broken. I am horrible at ending relationships/friendships because I hate for things to be undone. So if I end something, you know it was bad bad bad and could not be fixed.
Some of my favorite websites to putter about on are Blogger is actually one of my favorites because I hop around to different blogs and read everyone's ramblings. I also frequent the websites of my former boss and other groups we were on tour with, just to see what's going on, or if they have a concert anywhere near me.
This weekend I will work. It's what I do. AND after I work on Saturday, I'll drive to Austin to have dinner with my good friend Jodee who's in town from Iowa on business. I'm very excited to spend some time with her!
Nothing makes me happier than random gifts and phone calls. I hate the phone, but those calls from people that live far away or that I don't get to spend time with that often just to say hello or I'm thinking about you, totally make my day, The same with random gifts - there's no point to it, I just want to let you know you were on my mind. LOVE!
A bad habit I have is right now I think my bad habit is I'm over committed to work. I love my job, and so sometimes there's a tendency for it to not feel like a chore to be here all of the time. But the result is that I'm tired, and my life is becoming this place. I need more, but I also need help here, there's too much for one person, which is why I feel the need to always be here. It's a vicious cycle.
So there it is - my random ramblings for today. I'll try to update this weekend with something that has more substance. :)
You should do it too.
If my house was on fire and I could only grab 3 things, For sure I'd grab my jewelry, my journals, & the 2 stuffed animals that I've had since childhood
A smell I really like is Baby Lotion. It makes me think of sweet little babies cuddled up next to you. I love it!
Something you might not know about me is regardless of what I say, I care about people, a lot. I want to fight the fights for the underdog, my heart breaks to see others broken. I am horrible at ending relationships/friendships because I hate for things to be undone. So if I end something, you know it was bad bad bad and could not be fixed.
Some of my favorite websites to putter about on are Blogger is actually one of my favorites because I hop around to different blogs and read everyone's ramblings. I also frequent the websites of my former boss and other groups we were on tour with, just to see what's going on, or if they have a concert anywhere near me.
This weekend I will work. It's what I do. AND after I work on Saturday, I'll drive to Austin to have dinner with my good friend Jodee who's in town from Iowa on business. I'm very excited to spend some time with her!
Nothing makes me happier than random gifts and phone calls. I hate the phone, but those calls from people that live far away or that I don't get to spend time with that often just to say hello or I'm thinking about you, totally make my day, The same with random gifts - there's no point to it, I just want to let you know you were on my mind. LOVE!
A bad habit I have is right now I think my bad habit is I'm over committed to work. I love my job, and so sometimes there's a tendency for it to not feel like a chore to be here all of the time. But the result is that I'm tired, and my life is becoming this place. I need more, but I also need help here, there's too much for one person, which is why I feel the need to always be here. It's a vicious cycle.
So there it is - my random ramblings for today. I'll try to update this weekend with something that has more substance. :)
Friday, January 21, 2011
Fill In The Blank Friday
I got this from The Bigger(s) Picture who got it from The Little Things We Do And I thought it was a cute idea so I'm jacking the idea and playing along. Feel free to do so too!
1. My favorite quote is Is much longer than a line. It's kind of my life quote, by Cardinal John Henry Newman. "God has created me to do Him some definite service.
He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may not know what it is in this life. But I shall be told in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for nothing. I shall do good. I shall do His work. Therefore I will trust Him. Whatever I do, wherever I am, I cannot be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about."2. A bad habit I have is I tend to over commit or I don't commit at all. It's something I actually despise about myself. In an effort to make time for everyone I tend to commit myself to multiple things, but often ending up cutting my time short with people to make "time" for everyone. And then knowing that I have a tendency to do that, I over correct and then don't commit at all. I'm working on this one.
3. The first time I felt like a "grown up" was when signed the lease on my first apartment by myself. Living by myself, paying rent by myself. That and buying my car. No co-signing, no help, it was all quiet liberating.
4. Weekends are sometimes a distant memory. I have come to realize that I may be a workaholic. (Or maybe I'm updating my blog instead of doing work)So my weekends as of late seem to be spent at work. This is also something I'm working on this year, spend less time at work. I've failed miserably at this so far this year.
5. When I was a child I wished my name was Monique. Which is actually my middle name. There was a time when I thought I'd never learn how to spell Sandrine and I got tired of people slaughtering my name.
6. I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller. Ok, not really. I wish I could travel the world and never have to worry about money. I have a lot of wishes right now, but since I don't know who all is reading this I'm not sure I want to share all of my bidness with you. But my blogger friends I'm sure are attune to some of the things I wish for .
7. A secret I have is Well it wouldn't be a secret if I told you would it? I've got lots of secrets and I'm content to keep them as just that, secret .
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
Get Your Head Out of Your Butt
For days I've been wanting to post this on facebook, but I have enough conservative friends that I haven't because - well I just don't want to fight about it. And while they might check my blog from time to time it's their choice to come in and read my mental vomit. My house, my rules, I can say what I want.
I think we can all agree that what happened in Arizona last week was horrific. Our hearts have broken for every victim of such a senseless act. Simply thinking about a child being hurt, much less killed breaks my heart and it brings tears to my eyes.
Over the last couple of days these ridiculous posts have been popping up, If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, and cars drive drunk, and on and on it goes. While we all recognize that it takes someone to have the thought and pull the trigger - this seems to be such a callous - and quite honestly asshole-ish thing to say.
I'm sure I've already offended half of you with my language. Again I say - DEAL. My house, my rules, I say what I want.
A man killed those people. Agreed. But our gun laws made it way too easy to let such an unstable person have access to a weapon in which he was able to pull off such an act. Am I wrong to feel that we have some sort of responsibility to know the mental stability of who has the right to carry a gun? If the Army doesn't deem you mentally capable of serving/killing for your country why in the world would I want to put a gun in your hands on any average day??
This isn't a conservative/liberal rant, this is me talking about us as a country/government/people accepting some responsibility for allowing things to get this bad. Some would like to blame Sarah Palin. Do I think Sarah Palin is responsible for this guy choosing to kill these people. No. I don't know that for sure, I wouldn't dare put that on her. But I do think we have come to a place in time where we all have to be careful with what we say and what we put out there for crazy to jump on.
So to you, "guns don't kill people", folks out there - think of the victims and survivors of this attack and ask yourself if they feel the same way. Do they want to hug and thank the business that allowed this man to have a gun? Do the parents of that 9 year old little girl give a damn about pencils & misspelling? I don't care if you have a gun or not. I'm not against guns, but I do think we need to be more careful about who we let have them.
Rant Over.
Thank you and Good Day
I think we can all agree that what happened in Arizona last week was horrific. Our hearts have broken for every victim of such a senseless act. Simply thinking about a child being hurt, much less killed breaks my heart and it brings tears to my eyes.
Over the last couple of days these ridiculous posts have been popping up, If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, and cars drive drunk, and on and on it goes. While we all recognize that it takes someone to have the thought and pull the trigger - this seems to be such a callous - and quite honestly asshole-ish thing to say.
I'm sure I've already offended half of you with my language. Again I say - DEAL. My house, my rules, I say what I want.
A man killed those people. Agreed. But our gun laws made it way too easy to let such an unstable person have access to a weapon in which he was able to pull off such an act. Am I wrong to feel that we have some sort of responsibility to know the mental stability of who has the right to carry a gun? If the Army doesn't deem you mentally capable of serving/killing for your country why in the world would I want to put a gun in your hands on any average day??
This isn't a conservative/liberal rant, this is me talking about us as a country/government/people accepting some responsibility for allowing things to get this bad. Some would like to blame Sarah Palin. Do I think Sarah Palin is responsible for this guy choosing to kill these people. No. I don't know that for sure, I wouldn't dare put that on her. But I do think we have come to a place in time where we all have to be careful with what we say and what we put out there for crazy to jump on.
So to you, "guns don't kill people", folks out there - think of the victims and survivors of this attack and ask yourself if they feel the same way. Do they want to hug and thank the business that allowed this man to have a gun? Do the parents of that 9 year old little girl give a damn about pencils & misspelling? I don't care if you have a gun or not. I'm not against guns, but I do think we need to be more careful about who we let have them.
Rant Over.
Thank you and Good Day
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Reflecting
I really can't believe that we are getting ready to end 2010. This year has passed by with so fast, yet when I think on the things that happened this year they almost feel like a lifetime ago.
The year started out in an excited rut (how's that for oxymoron?). I had met someone I was so excited about and felt like "this was finally it", but also in a job that was good, but it wasn't what I wanted my forever to be and I felt like I would be stuck there forever.
Needless to say it only took a few months to find out that the "this is finally it" was actually dysfunction junction and that someone I had called friend for years was actually a manipulative liar. It was happy times let me tell you! But in the midst of all of that hurt and crazy I found myself surrounded by amazing friends, a great church, and a new job.
The job is amazing - it of course has it flaws, (what job doesn't?) but it has been great to be excited about what I'm doing and enjoying who I work for/with. My church continues to bless me and makes me happy that I can call it home. And my friends...I wish everyone could have friends like mine. They really are amazing people, and I can't imagine having journeyed through this year without them.
Things I would change about this year.... There's only one thing I would change about this year and there's still time to fix it - the rest ehe, I chalk it up to life/learning experiences.
I'm excited for 2011. I don't have a clue what's in store for the next year, I'm not even going to set up expectations for what I "hope" or think might happen. I will just let the year surprise me. I do, however anticipate that it will be one of my greatest years yet.
I hope that you end 2010 with no regrets and I wish great things for your 2011.
- Sandrine
The year started out in an excited rut (how's that for oxymoron?). I had met someone I was so excited about and felt like "this was finally it", but also in a job that was good, but it wasn't what I wanted my forever to be and I felt like I would be stuck there forever.
Needless to say it only took a few months to find out that the "this is finally it" was actually dysfunction junction and that someone I had called friend for years was actually a manipulative liar. It was happy times let me tell you! But in the midst of all of that hurt and crazy I found myself surrounded by amazing friends, a great church, and a new job.
The job is amazing - it of course has it flaws, (what job doesn't?) but it has been great to be excited about what I'm doing and enjoying who I work for/with. My church continues to bless me and makes me happy that I can call it home. And my friends...I wish everyone could have friends like mine. They really are amazing people, and I can't imagine having journeyed through this year without them.
Things I would change about this year.... There's only one thing I would change about this year and there's still time to fix it - the rest ehe, I chalk it up to life/learning experiences.
I'm excited for 2011. I don't have a clue what's in store for the next year, I'm not even going to set up expectations for what I "hope" or think might happen. I will just let the year surprise me. I do, however anticipate that it will be one of my greatest years yet.
I hope that you end 2010 with no regrets and I wish great things for your 2011.
- Sandrine
Monday, November 8, 2010
Time
One week ago marked 4 years of living back in San Antonio. It is officially the longest time I've lived anywhere in my adult life. I'll be perfectly honest and say, that thought causes much anxiety for me. I think back when I was moving around every year with my BG job, and the thing I craved/longed for the most was stability. To be in one place for longer than a year - to have everyday friends, to have a regular church, etc... The grass definitely looked greener on the other side. I do love the things that come with being in one place, but I also miss the chance to start anew in a different place, with new people. The grass wasn't as green as I thought, but at least it's not dead.
Two years ago this month a friend showed me that they couldn't be trusted, yet I chose to let that person back in for another chance. I was also at what I felt to be a crossroads of sorts in my life, deciding what it was that I was doing in my life, why exactly I moved back here (still trying to figure that one out btw.) I wish the me now could tell the me then a couple of things; people tell/show you exactly who they are - believe them and let them go. I would also tell that Sandrine that in two years, she still won't have it all figured out. It might be another 4 years before she ever does, and I'd tell her that good things are coming - stand strong through the crap and the moments of heartbreak and disappointment, good things are definitely coming. Better friends, a better job, I wouldn't tell her that a better guy is coming because I'm still waiting on that one. :)
A year ago this month I made a new friend. We laughed together a lot and we got to know each other quickly. I look back at the months we spent forming our friendship and they still make me happy. I don't even know that they realized what a major part of my life they became. But they were. A few months ago it all kind of fell apart, and while they are still there, it's not what it was. I don't think it ever will be. And to be honest that makes me sad. I should have talked to the me from two years ago and I'd know what to do differently.
This year life has done a 180. I'm in a job that I truly love. Sometimes it drives me crazy and I want to scream, but even through all of that I love it. I have friends old and new that are amazing. They have/are walking through life with me good and bad speaking truth when needed, laughing through the funny, & ridiculous, and are hopeful for whatever my future has in store.
I think about Sandrine 4 years ago and I have a hard time remembering her. I feel like she and the me now are two totally different people. I think about the me two years ago and I think about how hopeless she felt at times and I can see how far she has come. I look over the last year with mixed emotions, there were high Highs, and lows so low I think I'm still trying to recover from them.
This year has flown by but I'm looking forward to what the next year has in store for me, whatever it may be. I've been feeling restless lately, but maybe that's just growing pains...
Two years ago this month a friend showed me that they couldn't be trusted, yet I chose to let that person back in for another chance. I was also at what I felt to be a crossroads of sorts in my life, deciding what it was that I was doing in my life, why exactly I moved back here (still trying to figure that one out btw.) I wish the me now could tell the me then a couple of things; people tell/show you exactly who they are - believe them and let them go. I would also tell that Sandrine that in two years, she still won't have it all figured out. It might be another 4 years before she ever does, and I'd tell her that good things are coming - stand strong through the crap and the moments of heartbreak and disappointment, good things are definitely coming. Better friends, a better job, I wouldn't tell her that a better guy is coming because I'm still waiting on that one. :)
A year ago this month I made a new friend. We laughed together a lot and we got to know each other quickly. I look back at the months we spent forming our friendship and they still make me happy. I don't even know that they realized what a major part of my life they became. But they were. A few months ago it all kind of fell apart, and while they are still there, it's not what it was. I don't think it ever will be. And to be honest that makes me sad. I should have talked to the me from two years ago and I'd know what to do differently.
This year life has done a 180. I'm in a job that I truly love. Sometimes it drives me crazy and I want to scream, but even through all of that I love it. I have friends old and new that are amazing. They have/are walking through life with me good and bad speaking truth when needed, laughing through the funny, & ridiculous, and are hopeful for whatever my future has in store.
I think about Sandrine 4 years ago and I have a hard time remembering her. I feel like she and the me now are two totally different people. I think about the me two years ago and I think about how hopeless she felt at times and I can see how far she has come. I look over the last year with mixed emotions, there were high Highs, and lows so low I think I'm still trying to recover from them.
This year has flown by but I'm looking forward to what the next year has in store for me, whatever it may be. I've been feeling restless lately, but maybe that's just growing pains...
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