Time

One week ago marked 4 years of living back in San Antonio. It is officially the longest time I've lived anywhere in my adult life. I'll be perfectly honest and say, that thought causes much anxiety for me. I think back when I was moving around every year with my BG job, and the thing I craved/longed for the most was stability. To be in one place for longer than a year - to have everyday friends, to have a regular church, etc... The grass definitely looked greener on the other side. I do love the things that come with being in one place, but I also miss the chance to start anew in a different place, with new people. The grass wasn't as green as I thought, but at least it's not dead.


Two years ago this month a friend showed me that they couldn't be trusted, yet I chose to let that person back in for another chance. I was also at what I felt to be a crossroads of sorts in my life, deciding what it was that I was doing in my life, why exactly I moved back here (still trying to figure that one out btw.) I wish the me now could tell the me then a couple of things; people tell/show you exactly who they are - believe them and let them go. I would also tell that Sandrine that in two years, she still won't have it all figured out. It might be another 4 years before she ever does, and I'd tell her that good things are coming - stand strong through the crap and the moments of heartbreak and disappointment, good things are definitely coming. Better friends, a better job, I wouldn't tell her that a better guy is coming because I'm still waiting on that one. :)


A year ago this month I made a new friend. We laughed together a lot and we got to know each other quickly. I look back at the months we spent forming our friendship and they still make me happy. I don't even know that they realized what a major part of my life they became. But they were. A few months ago it all kind of fell apart, and while they are still there, it's not what it was. I don't think it ever will be. And to be honest that makes me sad. I should have talked to the me from two years ago and I'd know what to do differently.


This year life has done a 180. I'm in a job that I truly love. Sometimes it drives me crazy and I want to scream, but even through all of that I love it. I have friends old and new that are amazing. They have/are walking through life with me good and bad speaking truth when needed, laughing through the funny, & ridiculous, and are hopeful for whatever my future has in store.


I think about Sandrine 4 years ago and I have a hard time remembering her. I feel like she and the me now are two totally different people. I think about the me two years ago and I think about how hopeless she felt at times and I can see how far she has come. I look over the last year with mixed emotions,  there were high Highs, and lows so low I think I'm still trying to recover from them. 


This year has flown by but I'm looking forward to what the next year has in store for me, whatever it may be. I've been feeling restless lately, but maybe that's just growing pains...