Just a thought

Something funny/crazy/ totally bizarre happened today. It was the kind of thing I would have picked up the phone to call and tell you about. A reason just to hear your voice and laugh with you.

Big things happened not too long ago. Once again they were things that I would have wanted to share with you. Things that I could have gotten your honest opinion on, things I would have liked to celebrate with you.

Today I was discussing the difference between love and obsession. In the midst of the conversation I said that I think I might have been obsessed, but the more I think about it - the more I think I was in love with the idea of you. Don't get me wrong you were/are a great person, but now that it's all said and done I think about the time I had "getting over you" and I think it was more "getting over the idea of you".

Sometimes I still want to call you. Sometimes I still want to laugh with you. But that chapter is over, and who am I to try and put a comma where God put a period?

It's time for a new chapter with a new someone. Time to call someone else when the funny things happen. Time to want to laugh with someone else.

Nothing Fancy

"There's nothing fancy about the way I love you, there's nothing you couldn't find in any other man. There's nothing fancy about the way I love you. I love you as hard as I can.
 There's no good reason for the way you love me. You're my walking dream come true. There's no good reason for the way you love me, but I thank God you do. I don't know a perfect conversation. I don't know the way to turn her head. And I don't know a perfect way to prove my love, but I do know I'll love you till I'm dead.

There's nothing fancy about the way I love you. Simple as the stars in the sky or the blue in the sea. Nothing fancy about the way I love, but it sure is fancy how you love me. Sure is fancy how you love me."

Those are the lyrics to Nothing fancy by one of my favorite artist, Dave Barnes. As a single girl I think it's easy to get caught up in the "fairytale" ideas of love. Even if you are not willing to admit it we are all waiting for Prince Charming to come sweeping in with some grand gesture to prove his love, or Ryan Phillipe standing at the top of the escalator in the subway with flowers crying. Deep down you know that's never going to happen. I think that's why I love this song so much. Because it's about a serious love without a bunch of flowery words or gestures. I want that kind of love....

Here are the pieces of my heart.

I feel like my heart probably resembles this one in a lot of ways.

My heart has been broken, beaten, and bruised. I'm not talking just relationships. I mean life, job, friends, love, on and on I could go.

I think in the past I've been careless with my heart, flippantly carrying it in my hand from place to place, tossing it in my backpack as I encountered the issues in life. So I suppose I have myself to blame for it's current condition.

I am starting to realize that I have gone to the other extreme. Where I used to be careless with my heart, I am now over-protective. Where I used to allow it to take chances, I now keep it hidden from the world, so as not to inflict more damage. I tend to keep it wrapped in 20 lbs of heavy blankets and then locked away in a trunk.

I've done my heart a disservice both ways. So how does one find the balance? I'm not sure I know. I'm not sure I know how to, but I have to try. Because when I locked my heart up, I locked up a part of my great adventurer, I locked away the will to take great chances. I miss those things, I feel like they are suffocating and slowly dying in the isolation booth I have set them in.

So I'm trying to find the balance. I realize that my heart might get smashed to smithereens. I realize there might not be any great adventure, and I am aware that there may never be one great love. But what good will a heart in tact merit me at the end of my life, if it has not seen, if has not done, if it has not lived?

That's a chance I don't want to take....

FugMonsters Need Love Too

Today a Fug Monster came in to sign a contract to hold her wedding at our Facility. Now I'm not trying to be mean - well maybe a little. But this poor unfortunate girl, with seemingly no personality is now planning her wedding.

WTH??

Granted if I sit back and evaluate the situation I can resolve a few things....
1) I don't want to look like her
2) Although I haven't seen him yet, I'm pretty certain I don't want her fiancée
3) And based on the little information she gave me her wedding will be ugly.

I'd say 95% of the time I am very content with my life. I answer to no one but God, I go where I want, when I want, and with whomever I choose. I love my life.

But there are moments like today when the Fug monsters of the world come out to let you know that even they have found someone to spend the rest of their life with as you stay alone with your "happiness".

It's at these times where I start to think "why did I let the chiropractor go?" or "why couldn't I get over myself and resolve the issues with whats his butt's friend that I really did like?" or my favorite, "why did I waste so much time on him?"

But even as I'm having this conversation in my head. I am working late, getting more hours which equals more money, driving myself home - stopping to pick up a salad at Wendy's, and coming home to flip channels between the basketball game and Samantha Who reruns.
Answering to no one.

I guess things could be a lot worse. I could be ugly.