Reflecting

I really can't believe that we are getting ready to end 2010. This year has passed by with so fast, yet when I think on the things that happened this year they almost feel like a lifetime ago.


The year started out in an excited rut (how's that for oxymoron?). I had met someone I was so excited about and felt like "this was finally it", but also in a job that was good, but it wasn't what I wanted my forever to be and I felt like I would be stuck there forever. 


Needless to say it only took a few months to find out that the "this is finally it" was actually dysfunction junction and that someone I had called friend for years was actually a manipulative liar. It was happy times let me tell you! But in the midst of all of that hurt and crazy I found myself surrounded by amazing friends, a great church, and a new job.


The job is amazing - it of course has it flaws, (what job doesn't?) but it has been great to be excited about what I'm doing and enjoying who I work for/with. My church continues to bless me and makes me happy that I can call it home. And my friends...I wish everyone could have friends like mine. They really are amazing people, and I can't imagine having journeyed through this year without them.


Things I would change about this year.... There's only one thing I would change about this year and there's still time to fix it - the rest ehe, I chalk it up to life/learning experiences.


I'm excited for 2011. I don't have a clue what's in store for the next year, I'm not even going to set up expectations for what I "hope" or think might happen. I will just let the year surprise me. I do, however  anticipate that it will be one of my greatest years yet.


I hope that you end 2010 with no regrets and I wish great things for your 2011.


- Sandrine

Time

One week ago marked 4 years of living back in San Antonio. It is officially the longest time I've lived anywhere in my adult life. I'll be perfectly honest and say, that thought causes much anxiety for me. I think back when I was moving around every year with my BG job, and the thing I craved/longed for the most was stability. To be in one place for longer than a year - to have everyday friends, to have a regular church, etc... The grass definitely looked greener on the other side. I do love the things that come with being in one place, but I also miss the chance to start anew in a different place, with new people. The grass wasn't as green as I thought, but at least it's not dead.


Two years ago this month a friend showed me that they couldn't be trusted, yet I chose to let that person back in for another chance. I was also at what I felt to be a crossroads of sorts in my life, deciding what it was that I was doing in my life, why exactly I moved back here (still trying to figure that one out btw.) I wish the me now could tell the me then a couple of things; people tell/show you exactly who they are - believe them and let them go. I would also tell that Sandrine that in two years, she still won't have it all figured out. It might be another 4 years before she ever does, and I'd tell her that good things are coming - stand strong through the crap and the moments of heartbreak and disappointment, good things are definitely coming. Better friends, a better job, I wouldn't tell her that a better guy is coming because I'm still waiting on that one. :)


A year ago this month I made a new friend. We laughed together a lot and we got to know each other quickly. I look back at the months we spent forming our friendship and they still make me happy. I don't even know that they realized what a major part of my life they became. But they were. A few months ago it all kind of fell apart, and while they are still there, it's not what it was. I don't think it ever will be. And to be honest that makes me sad. I should have talked to the me from two years ago and I'd know what to do differently.


This year life has done a 180. I'm in a job that I truly love. Sometimes it drives me crazy and I want to scream, but even through all of that I love it. I have friends old and new that are amazing. They have/are walking through life with me good and bad speaking truth when needed, laughing through the funny, & ridiculous, and are hopeful for whatever my future has in store.


I think about Sandrine 4 years ago and I have a hard time remembering her. I feel like she and the me now are two totally different people. I think about the me two years ago and I think about how hopeless she felt at times and I can see how far she has come. I look over the last year with mixed emotions,  there were high Highs, and lows so low I think I'm still trying to recover from them. 


This year has flown by but I'm looking forward to what the next year has in store for me, whatever it may be. I've been feeling restless lately, but maybe that's just growing pains...

Just a thought

Something funny/crazy/ totally bizarre happened today. It was the kind of thing I would have picked up the phone to call and tell you about. A reason just to hear your voice and laugh with you.

Big things happened not too long ago. Once again they were things that I would have wanted to share with you. Things that I could have gotten your honest opinion on, things I would have liked to celebrate with you.

Today I was discussing the difference between love and obsession. In the midst of the conversation I said that I think I might have been obsessed, but the more I think about it - the more I think I was in love with the idea of you. Don't get me wrong you were/are a great person, but now that it's all said and done I think about the time I had "getting over you" and I think it was more "getting over the idea of you".

Sometimes I still want to call you. Sometimes I still want to laugh with you. But that chapter is over, and who am I to try and put a comma where God put a period?

It's time for a new chapter with a new someone. Time to call someone else when the funny things happen. Time to want to laugh with someone else.

This Season....

I wish I were a better blogger, I always have things I want to write about, yet fail to make time to sit down and write them. I think I get too easily distracted with "life". Sometimes I wonder if I miss a lot of life because I am so busy with it. Does that even make sense?


Today is my Sabbath. Sunday should probably always be my sabbath, but I've been so committed to church and other things that a solid day of rest is often over-looked on my part. So today I decided I was going to have a real sabbath. I slept in, skipped church, went to the movies, had lunch, and now I'm sitting on the couch with two sweet puppies taking time to do what I want - write. It has been a lovely day.


My own personal life has changed so drastically in the last 5 months it kind of makes my head spin. I have a new job that I absolutely love, with a boss that I don't even know if I can find the right words to grasp what an amazing boss he is. The church that I was so hesitant to even go to regularly is now a HUGE part of my life. I am learning, connecting, and directing there, and it's crazy. But I love it. My friends have increased in number, sadly when life is changing for you and for the people around you it's hard to keep up with everyone. I've added some new folks who bring new color and insight to life as I know it and I'm thankful for each one of them. I also had to let some friendships go. I came to realize that some people couldn't be trusted, some were liars, and some didn't care as much as I did, and some I just needed space from. And as much as that saddens me it is a part of life.


Overall, I can't complain about this season of life. There are things of course that I would love to fall into place or to change, but since I can't change them, I am learning to adapt and work with what I've been given. Life is constantly changing and I think we are all trying to go with the flow and dodge the punches thrown our way. Through it all I'm praying not only for myself but for all of you, "Jesus show me the way you want me to go, direct my path."


I hope everyone out there is doing well!


Know that you are loved!


Sandrine

Nothing Fancy

"There's nothing fancy about the way I love you, there's nothing you couldn't find in any other man. There's nothing fancy about the way I love you. I love you as hard as I can.
 There's no good reason for the way you love me. You're my walking dream come true. There's no good reason for the way you love me, but I thank God you do. I don't know a perfect conversation. I don't know the way to turn her head. And I don't know a perfect way to prove my love, but I do know I'll love you till I'm dead.

There's nothing fancy about the way I love you. Simple as the stars in the sky or the blue in the sea. Nothing fancy about the way I love, but it sure is fancy how you love me. Sure is fancy how you love me."

Those are the lyrics to Nothing fancy by one of my favorite artist, Dave Barnes. As a single girl I think it's easy to get caught up in the "fairytale" ideas of love. Even if you are not willing to admit it we are all waiting for Prince Charming to come sweeping in with some grand gesture to prove his love, or Ryan Phillipe standing at the top of the escalator in the subway with flowers crying. Deep down you know that's never going to happen. I think that's why I love this song so much. Because it's about a serious love without a bunch of flowery words or gestures. I want that kind of love....

Dreams, Silly Dreams

I think most people don't recall their dreams or if they do the details are fuzzy. I can almost count the number of times I can remember dreaming. They say there is no such thing as a "dreamless" sleep, but I think I really do have dreamless sleep sometimes.

All that being said, I have had some pretty vivid dreams in recent weeks. And they are so so so very random. My dream last night seemed so freakishly real, and for one of the first times, I could see everyone's faces, I knew exactly where I was, and what was going on. It was actually a very happy dream, so why did I wake up heart pounding and feeling like I might vomit?

Maybe because it was so real, maybe because it's something trapped in the back of my head that I haven't even allowed myself to think on it. And so here I am today still thinking about it, and looking for a way to shake it from my brain. Don't most people try to hold onto their happy dreams? Should I really try to shake it from my brain? What do I do with this?

I know, this is by far one of my most random post and definately one of the vaguest. Welcome to my life...

Robin In The Snow

We've reached that time in the year, where I am feeling pain and I am almost certain it is death. A normal person would think that maybe you should go to the doctor and maybe figure out what exactly the pain is and why you are feeling it. But not me. I figure if I'm going to die I don't really want to know. :)

I don't really feel like I'm dying, but death is on my mind today. As I mentioned on Friday I have come to realize that I own a ridiculously large amount of sad music. So while hanging out with my good friend Ben on Saturday I tell him that I need some happy music. Ben tells me about an artist, Sonya Kitchell, particularly her song, Robin In The Snow. He says I have to download it immediately and listen. So I do, and I listen to it on my drive home. If I hadn't already been 20 minutes from his house I might have driven back to hit him. The song is about seeing a Robin born in the winter, much too early for a Robin to be out and because of the little Robin has been born to early it's dying. She says no one, but her knew about the Robin, and therefore she will miss it when it's gone, but who is going to miss her when she is gone. Did I mention that I've been a little needy and on the gloomy music kick? So why why why would you give me this dreadful song to listen to? I was so sad by the time the song ended and convinced I am going to die alone with no one to miss me. Thanks Ben!

Today begins, Operation Cheer where I am searching for happy music, happy movies, and good friends. I'm headed over to the Tarantino house for some Super Bowl watching, so that is a guaranteed good time.....

How to Save An Eye...

So technically I should be busy at work. But it's a slow friday and I feel very ADD. At the moment the web department is having a meeting back in my office, since it's the only conference table. Have you ever had the opportunity to sit through a web meeting? It is an interesting thing to see and hear. The people that you know to be "normal" suddenly transform before you and are replaced with true nerds, no geeks.

I suddenly feel like I'm in an episode of Star Trek and some strange species is taking over and they are speaking a language that I don't understand, and it's scary! So in the middle of all the crazy I want to gouge my eye out. To save my eye I've located my iPhone charger and headphones and have "plugged into the matrix". I've also been perusing DSW for shoes and updating my twitter like a maniac. Which I'm sure my followers are loving.

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So overall, I think it's a hormonal day. I feel uber needy and already shamelessly asked Monica not to leave me when she came back to visit earlier this morning. I used to have major issues with being needy, like it made me a weak person. But as of late, I've just learned to embrace it. Sometimes you just need a hug or to spend time with people, and it's a side effect of hormones. :) It probably doesn't help that I seem to own a ridiculous amount of sad/sappy music. Some of my favorites right now are Adele, Amy Winehouse, Missy Higgins, Yael Naim, Vedera, Rachel Yamagata, etc... All are great, but really are kind of on the dreary side. To make matters worse, a few nights ago on American Idol a girl sang the Billie Holiday song, Good Morning Heartache. I love love love Torch singers, so that song has always been a favorite of mine. So it's been in my regular rotation this week. As you can tell from the title of the song, it's not the happiest of songs. After listening to it 4 times yesterday I told Monica I wanted to light a cigarette and go lay on the front lawn of the office in the rain praying for death. Yeah. Happiness and Sunshine! I need happy music!

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A bride just came in for a tour, thus saving me from the back office and the geekdom that is running rampant back here. Maybe they'll be gone by the time I get back. :) Tee Hee!

Updating

I just got off the phone with my long time pal Christina. I have known Christina so long, I'm not even sure how long we've known each other. She moved to Canada with her Canadian husband what seems like a million years ago and is now the Mom of 4 ridiculously cute kiddos! She's just started a new blog so be sure to pop over there and say hello (www.amamaandherducklings.blogspot.com) Moms, I know she'd love to do the kid/family talk things and bloggers she'd love some input on fun things she can do with her page.

But I digress....

Because our lives went in two totally different directions it's rare that we get to spend quality time catching up. We have facebook, but in all honesty that doesn't truly lend itself to How you really are, what's REALLY going on in your life, etc... So it should go without saying that it was lovely to have time to talk, really talk - not virtually and catch up.

When I think about my life - growing up it's hard to find memories that don't include Christina. We could be the best of friends or the worst of enemies. And God help the soul that got on our bad side at the same time. Some of the best/worst gossiping I've ever done was with her. We were talking about a friend of ours that we have both lost touch with and I couldn't help but remember one night when were about 14/15 years old at Summer Camp. Me, Christina, & Kimberly - we snuck out of our dorm and were hanging out on the picnic table in front of our dorm. We weren't doing anything just talking and sharing what we thought were secrets. The funny part was, every secret we shared we had shared with one of the other two. So when you started to tell your secret the one you thought didn't know would cut you off to tell you the other friend had already told them. (Does that make sense?) Anyway, it was so funny and to this day one of my favorite memories.

I'm not a Taylor Swift fan and I'm not trying to get all sappy, but her new song Fifteen has had been thinking back on that age a lot lately. At fifteen I thought life couldn't get any better than those moments and that when we grew up we'd take our families on camping trips together and still have those moments of sneaking out in the middle of the night to share secrets. Obviously that's not how life turned out. I do wish that we had been better with keeping in touch with Kimberly, but I'm so glad we have managed to hold onto our friendship.

And of course because she is blogging now, she's on my butt to be better about updating. So much to your enjoyment or chagrin... I will be blogging more frequently. :)

Be sure to visit her blog, say hello and share blogging info with her and check out pictures of her stupidly cute kids (Riley, Nathaniel, Jamus, & Annabella)

Ciao for Now!

Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

Welcome! In case you were unaware your brother, 2009, sucked. I have high expectations for you. Although, this first week you have been a severe let down. Let's just hope and pray that's old whatshisbutt 09' just clearing out his remnants.

I need you to be a much better year please. Be kind to my heart, it can't take another year like last year.

I promise in turn that I will try to do right by you, and I will let everyone know what a great year you are.

I hope you don't let me down. It's early and even though it's been a ridiculously rough start, I have already started to love you. Don't let me down!

Lovingly yours,
Sandrine