This City

It's funny how time flies by isn't it? I moved back to San Antonio 6 years ago this week. In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago, but it in many ways it feels like I just got here.

I try to blog about every year about the move back here and how my perspective on coming back home has changed. As many of you know I was not enthused about moving back to my hometown. My plan was to come back and stay for maybe a year or two and then move on to bigger and better things. I never imagined that I would be back here and that I would be happy being here. How that has changed! I don't know that I'll be here forever or even 2 years from now, but as it stands right now I'm happy being here.

Being young and dumb I felt like San Antonio had nothing to offer me, I even felt that way upon my return. But over the last 6 years, I've seen my city change and grow so much. I've come to appreciate it's flaws and quirks and love it's amazing qualities. You know how all little kids go through an "ugly stage"? They're awkward, they're trying to figure out who they are, what their style is, and then seemingly overnight they are beautiful, they are poised; they might not know who they are yet, but they are moving confidently in the direction of becoming whoever they are meant to be. I feel like San Antonio has done that in a lot of ways, and now... it's now in the beautiful stage. Perhaps a lot  of it is my perspective or simply a heart change, but without a doubt this city has grown up.

Regardless, I'm glad the path God has me on led me back home. This city is my city, and I love it.

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The Good Mormons

The Good Samaritan Mormon

We moved into our new apartment mid-February. Upon move in we found out that in the apartment below us there were approximately 6 Mormon elders who are all on their mission. Our first interaction with them was the night Jill and I were moving our beds along with our washer and dryer with the help of my friend Cipriano. They were coming home and saw the 3 of us struggling and immediately jumped in to help. When Tracy moved in last month they again jumped in when they saw she & Robbie carrying a table in.

It has become a running joke amongst the 3 of us as we carry heavy things or even a ton of groceries in to the apartment that one should not take a super deep breathe or grunt while carrying anything - it's like shining the beacon light for Batman. It's like they appear out of no where. The other neighbors in our building always talk about how helpful these guys are. And they are SO FRIENDLY! I have never encountered them without receiving a cheerful greeting and an inquiry as to how I am doing, and unlike most people who only flippantly ask how I'm doing, without truly caring about my response, I have no doubt that these guys genuinely care about what my answer is.

I know, I know... Where am I going with this?

Two nights ago as I pulled into our apartment complex I saw two of the guys walking up to the front office parking spaces. It was well after office hours so I was super curious to know where they were going/what they were doing. As I looked to see what they might be walking towards I realized that there was a man on the ground working on his car and they were on their way to offer help. To be honest, I don't know that I would have ever seen the guy and I certainly know that there was no help that I could have offered. But that's not the point. Daily I watch these young men be a good neighbor to those around them. It might be some manual labor, it may just be a kind word, it might be an inquiry.

In watching these guys I find that I am asking myself, what kind of neighbor am I? And so I ask you, what kind of neighbor are you?

Stop Excusing People

“Just because somebody doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they got”

I've seen this quote a lot over the past few weeks/months in various places on the internet. The first time I saw it, I thought, "Wow, that is a great thing to keep in mind." But the more I see it, the more I really think about it, the more it annoys me.

I'm only going to speak for women here, because I have no idea how the male mind processes that statement and I have yet to discuss it with any of my male friends. Somewhere - I'm not sure where, we became people who have, I dare say, have fallen in love with the idea of unrequited love. We read about it, watch movies about it, God knows Taylor Swift has sung enough songs about it. And while I am certain that almost all of us have had that very experience, it seems as though we've forgotten how much it completely sucks. There is nothing romantic, fun, or enjoyable about it.

Not everyone will love you the same way that you love them, and for the most part, I think most of us know who those people are in our lives. But this quote gets under my skin. It's almost an excuse or pass for those people. I'm not calling for you to give up on people, but don't we deserve someone/people in our lives that love us like we love them? Is this simply an excuse to let someone treat you less than because they don't feel the same way? Are we settling for what they can give versus what we truly want or desire, even deserve?

Most of you don't typically comment on here, but I'd really like some other thoughts and feed back on this one...

- S

DONE

Et avec cela je suis fait - "And with that, I'm done."


I've been asking myself a lot over the last week, "when is it time to be done with someone?" I am a person hates to ever give up on another person or truly end a relationship, but as we all know, sometimes that very thing is necessary. But when - where is the balance of needing someone out and letting your emotions in a moment determine the answer?


Just something I'm asking myself this week. I'd love to hear your thoughts...

Don't Waste It

talent |ˈtalənt|noun1 natural aptitude or skill : he possesses more talent than any other player | shedisplayed a talent for garden design.• people possessing such aptitude or skill
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I've been thinking a lot lately about talent -  God given, raw talent. I think 90% of the time when we talk about talent, people automatically start to think of those that are musically or artistically gifted, but it is so much more. Which led me to my next thought, why do we so often sell ourselves short? Why do we dismiss what we are gifted at? Is it that we are in fear of being full of ourselves, or is it simply that we do not see our gifts as, "enough". 
Why do we question ourselves? What is it about our "talent" that we are so scared or ashamed of to share? There are people with talents very different from mine, and I so appreciate that, parts of life and even my work are effected by their gifting. And even as I write that I feel in a sense that I am cutting down or under playing my own God given talents, whatever they may be.
Why are you wasting your talent? Some where someone is need of your talent. It doesn't matter that other people might have the same type of talent - There is something in you that sets you apart from all of the others. I recognize that I am saying this as much to myself as I am to anyone that's reading this.
So my challenge to you today - Don't waste your talent. Find a way this week to exercise that very thing you have been gifted with. And if you feel like you don't know what your talent is, take some time over the next couple of days, weeks, even months to figure out what you are gifted at, what you are passionate about, and then pursue it.

Almost Honest

I've been thinking a lot about honesty. I'm not talking truth vs. lie, I'm talking about openness, being real, being honest about what you think and feel.

I was thinking back to younger Sandrine, when telling a story of something that happened or something that was going on, in my description of the situation or circumstances, I always included how I felt. I described my thoughts and emotions in every situation. In particular, I'm thinking about my teen & young adult years. My friends at the time, they didn't make fun of it, but they found it amusing. In every story or they would stop me and ask, "Wait, how were you feeling?". It never "hurt" my feelings, but I became keenly aware of what I shared. Maybe people didn't really want to know what I was feeling.

I don't think my young mind truly processed it at the time, but hindsight I can see where I stopped sharing my emotions. You have to be in the inner circle and willing to dig a little to get my real feelings and emotions. (Yes, I'm fully aware of how unhealthy that is).

A couple of weeks ago I was put on the spot. It
wasn't a question that was life or death that needed to answer, but it was a question that would require me to be a little vulnerable and share what I might really be thinking or feeling. Instead I laughed it off and made an escape. You know what's sad about all of that? I wanted/needed someone to ask that question, so I could get answers myself. But that would've required some honesty from myself. Why is that so scary? In part I know it was scary because I didn't know what the other answer would be, but hadn't I been complaining about needing an answer?

What right do I have to be angry or upset at someone else's lack of candid honesty, when I can't/won't give it myself??

I'm not wanting to be the girl that attaches her emotions to everything, but I do think it's time to be the girl that is real & honest with her emotions and what she is feeling.

So I guess it begins here....

Fill In The Blank Friday

1. The best thing I did all week was acknowledge things for what they are and not what I want them to be. I'm ready to be at Chapter 3, but the truth and healthy reality is, I'm still writing Chapter 1 in this new volume of life.
2. Super cute, sweet babies make me super happy.
3. Pets are someone else's right now, but I do feel like I'm ready for one.
4. I love my job, and I'm getting healthier are the best thing about my life...right now.
5. With the cooler weather I am looking forward to I'm actually looking forward to any cooler weather. I'm ready for closed toed shoes, tall boots, winter skirts, sweaters & scarves!
6. Something that's on my "wish list" right now is a trip to see my bestie and her new baby, Sydney, new boots, and a vacation to a beautiful semi quiet place in the world.
7. This weekend I am going to ... sadly I have no big weekend plans. Since starting at the church my "weekend" is broken up between Saturday and Monday. But I will try to rest, I will do something just for me, and I will let go of all of the mess ups and failures of the week, and I will celebrate the good and beautiful things that happened during the week instead. I will focus on what is to come.

What are you fill in the blanks today?

Nice? What does that even mean?

I recently had a conversation via Twitter with a colleague/friend Jon Pyle about one of my favorite books and movies, Pride and Prejudice, which then turned into an interesting observation by Jon and an even more interesting conversation.


Jon shared that in talking about this story (one that his wife Amanda loves, and one that he is growing to like and appreciate more) that something struck him. There is nothing "nice" about Mr. Darcy, yet there are women who simply love and adore Mr. Darcy. I am included in those who think that he one of the best male literary characters ever and do often wish he truly existed in my world. That being said, the thought is - what exactly is "nice"?


Webster defines nice the following ways: 1) pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory 2) fine or subtle 3) (archaic) fastidious; scrupulous 


Translate all of that to : Boring, nondescript, doormat. Mr. Darcy comes off as pompous, arrogant, and rude (those are all essentially the same thing, but go with me). Anyway, upon digging a little deeper we find that Mr. Darcy in fact is a very shy and kind hearted man. But never would he be characterized as "nice".


When a woman says, "he's too nice", what does that really mean? After Jon laid his thoughts on niceness out for me, I started to reflect on all of those that I had deemed to nice, and found that they were in fact, quite boring. There was nothing in particular that stood out about them. They  are men that I could run all over with my sometimes overbearing strong personality. Which then raises another question - do I want a "bad guy". Not at all, in fact the men that I have been the most attracted and drawn to, were strong men, guys who knew what they wanted, and had a strong presence. 


I don't know yet where I'm going with this, but it's given me a lot to think about. Do I categorize people, men in particular as nice guys or bad guys? Do I want a bad guy, or do I simply want a man that is not boring, that has strength, that leaves an impression, and when you get down to it, is truly kind hearted.


Jon's mission is to obliterate niceness. I think this is a challenge I am willing to accept. I am sure that there are people who have put me in that nice category, so it's time for some evaluation, what does my presence say to the people around me? 


Interesting thoughts Mr. Pyle, interesting thoughts!

Thank You Is Not Enough

October will mark 5 years that I have been back in San Antonio. As I have said many times before, when I moved back here I certainly never thought I'd be here this long. What some of you don't know is that when I moved back here I was a mess. I had recently left a job that in all honesty had put me off of being involved in "ministry" and gave me a great distrust for God's people. Not to mention a host of other crazy that brought me to a place of telling myself it was time to go home and it was time to get my life together.

I'm sure my family knew I was a mess, but it wasn't up for discussion on my part, but they could see that I was a hurt and jaded person coming back. I visited church, on occasion, but I was not really interested in being there or being a part of a "body". In my mind at that time I was okay with God, but I wasn't crazy about His people. I had a job that was in no way close to church or ministry work and I was more than happy with that. Sometimes I felt as though I dealt with less there than I ever did in ministry. 

Fast forward 2 years, I started to regularly attend a church, one that was different than other churches I had attended and the people seemed more authentic. It's through that church that I ended up at the job I am at today. Event Coordinator at TriPoint. My new boss had actually been on staff at the church that I was attending, so in my mind that validated him as "good people". This is David Robbins... In interviewing with him I knew that we would work well together and I knew that we would get along. What I didn't know, is how he would change my life, and my perception of ministry and of God's people.

I have worked with David just shy of a year and one thing I've noticed in that time is that everyone who has worked for David - spoke in such high regard of him. They call and visit with him, the seek him out for wise council. David is the heart of ministry. I watch him as he serves his family, he serves his church which is where he also works. In everything he does I have noticed he looks for ways to be Jesus to the people around him. Watching him, being led by him, blesses me daily.

Two weeks ago I was offered a position on staff at the church I attend, City Church Downtown. If I had been asked to even consider joining a church staff as recent as a year ago I would have not just said no, but it would have been a resounding HELL NO. While I love my church I still wasn't in a place to work at church. Yes, I work for a church now - but I'm not in ministry, I am a part of ministry, yes. I don't know quite how to explain it, but somewhere in my little mind it all makes sense. I digress.... anyway, my first answer to the offer was no. I was conflicted and just couldn't decide if it was the right move for me. I prayed and asked for friends to pray, on and on it went. Deep down I wanted that position, but I wasn't unhappy with where I am, I have a great boss - why would I leave that? And to work at a church?? After even more prayer and more soliciting prayer from friends I knew that I needed to take the position.

There are things that I will miss about where I am right now, the cafe just outside my door, the interesting people I encounter on a daily basis, the pool table that we can play a game of pool at when the day needs a little pick me up, etc... But most of all I will miss David. If not for him I know I would not be in a place emotionally or spiritually to take this job. He doesn't know that he has helped heal some of those past wounds, and that as I watch him encounter some his own trials with believers and non believer with grace and humility I have learned how to be gracious and that God works not because of us, but in spite of us.

David - Thank you does not begin to express my appreciation for you and all that you have taught me over the last year. I am excited about this new chapter but I am incredibly sad that you will not be a part of my day to day. Who will tell me ridiculous stories? Go out of their way to startle me with a clap as they walk into the office? Mock me for having a musicals station on Pandora? Or randomly sing - "Ooooooooooooweeeeee, What's Up Wit Dat?" You can guarantee that I will be among many who have nothing but kind things to say about you, who call you, and come to visit with you randomly, and who still seek your advice and wise council. 

Thank you is simply not enough....

I'll admit it, I'm judging you.

I consider myself to be a fairly open minded person. I have friends from all different aspects of life, traveling the path of life various different ways. It's part of what makes me love them all so much. How boring would this world be if we all followed my path and approach to life (One it really would be ridiculously boring as I tend to be boring as of late & nothing would be accomplished as I am all over the place in true ADD fashion).

I like to live in a judgement free zone. There are things that I don't agree with, things that I don't like, but I try to stay out of a place of judgement, which by the way is Biblical (Matthew 7:1 Do not judge, or you too will be judged). So here I am, with all these people that I love from different places, different faiths, different orientations - I guess you can say I'm proud of that. I don't know if that's good or bad, but that's not the point to this blog post.

Today I realized that there is a group of people that I judge, and I found myself very unapologetic about my judgement and felt validated in my judgement. I watched a "charity event" taking place today - the event was put on by a group (30-40 something) women with money. The moment I walked in I feel my self righteous judgment coming forth. The extravagance going into this event the hoopla, the hair, the makeup, the decor... "Wasn't this to benefit a charity? Where's the info on the charity? Oh on that small table? I'm sorry what does the rest of this have to do with the charity?" On and on it went in my head. Then almost as justification from a distance I saw people attending this event to benefit a charity walk without a second glance or thought by someone who could have used their charity of simply opening the door at that very moment.

So I here I stand in judgement, Due to the fact that they can give and then give some more to the issue, whether their hands "get dirty" or not. Getting my hands dirty helps but it doesn't always solve the issue. They are addressing the issue, just in a different way - right? What they are doing matters and helps. But really with all the excess crap? Couldn't you have saved on some of this other "junk" and put that toward the issue you are trying to help? Why aren't you talking about the issue? Why is there only a flier and a poster about it? Are you really doing anything?

So now I'm questioning myself - am I being a judgmental jerk? I know that the answer when I really get down to it is yes, but aren't I right in this situation? Am I really any better than them? And even if I am right - what is my judgement meriting them or me? The truth is, regardless of their financial status, clothes, event - they are just like me, and just like you. People who are doing life in this messed up world where the issues outnumber the people and they are doing the best they know how in every situation.

{Alone}

I will not compromise simply to avoid being alone. 

Fill In the Blank Friday

1.   I am currently obsessed with       ADELE. The woman has stupid talent, and her new album is amazing. Today is the first day since it's release on Tuesday that I haven't listened to it all day.

2.  Today I am    tired     because,    I signed a lease on a new apartment with my good friend Jill this week. We started staying at the new place on Wednesday. I think the excitement of a new apartment - downtown no less has effected my sleep  .

3.  The age I am is    34     and the age I feel is    Some days I feel like I'm still 23, and like I'm just really getting started with my adult life and the world is mine to conquer. Then there are days where I feel 34, and that depresses me a little, I feel like I should be further along in the 34 years than where I'm currently at. Then there are a few exceptions when I feel like I'm 60, and I want life to slow down and I wonder where time has gone, and why is everyone so freaking young.

4.  My favorite place is     the place where I can be. No one to have answers for, the place where I can simply be quiet, be loud, be obnoxious, be kind, be funny, be sad, create, just sleep, walk, sit.Right now that's a few places, home, my Mom's, a hotel on the beach.

5.  Something I have been procrastinating is     There's a work situation that I have to deal with, I've been praying that it would take care of itself, but with each passing day it is becoming clear that it's not. I need to pick up the phone and deal with it, but it give me a headache and makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

6.  The last thing I purchased was        a bottle of wine to celebrate Linda being cancer free!

7.  The thing I love most about my home is       I love being downtown - it's where I was meant to be I think. I have a great roommate! I feel like after a few crappy months this is the beginning of a new happy season, and lots of good things  .

Great Expectations

What if we just started to expect great things? What if we just anticipated that good things can and will happen? It's not an easy task. I think about the disappointment that can come with expecting. But right now I think that's a chance I'm willing to take.

I'm not expecting or anticipating any big thing. No surprises, no Prince Charming on my doorstep. While those would be nice it's not what I'm talking about.

I suppose what I'm talking about a place of surrender. Okay Jesus - I don't know what's ahead on this path, but I know that this is the path you've put me on, so there's got to be something good, something great up ahead, so I'll follow and anticipate something good. It might just be that I learn something new. Perhaps I will see things with a new perspective. Or maybe it's not about me at all.

I am expecting great things.

Stupid Forgiveness

So in recent weeks at church we've been talking about dealing with conflict, forgiveness, taking up others offenses, etc... I've sat through all of these teachings and thought, "These are awesome words. I really hope this is speaking to someone, and Oh I should write that down and remember that for the next time I have an issue." That's probably not accurate of what I was thinking, the truth is, I know that some of the things being said applied to me and my life - just not right at the moment.


Yesterday, I read something a conversation of sorts between two people. It made me so angry and it had absolutely nothing to do with me - aside from the fact that I used to have an issue with one of the people. Note the *used to*. Later in the day I was talking with one of my best friends Annetta, about my anger and without a thought I said, "I hate X, I really do, and I don't feel bad saying that." WHOA! What? I said I was done with that, where did that come from?


As the evening progressed and I thought more and more about it I began to realize, I said I was over it, I said I was done with it, but I never forgave. They didn't ask for my forgiveness as a matter of fact I'm sure my forgiving them isn't even on their radar. But that's not the issue, I wonder in all of my anger, my hurt, & my wishes for 1,000 plagues to fall upon this person... what have I missed that Jesus might have for me in the midst of my anger and unforgiveness? 


This morning I came across this verse - 1 Kings 8:50: And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their captors to show them mercy. And my first thought was, Shut up! I don't want to forgive this person, I want the 1,000 plagues to fall on them and I want a front row seat to see it all go down. And then I read this, Matthew 6:14: For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Dangit! There's no way to escape it! But the really I hate the way I feel regarding this person. 


Right now, at least in my mind and heart there is no chance to reconcile, but that's not the point. I am reduced them down to nothing but a liar and manipulator in my mind and heart. I want to be done and over it, and even though I have nothing to do with this person, the fact is I will continue to be angry and stop movement and growth in my own life. So I guess that leaves me here, forgiving. That's not to say that tomorrow or even a week from now that I won't think about it and have those feelings again - but when that time comes I will forgive them and I will continue to do so until my heart and mind are on the same page. 


Jesus is continually gracious and forgives my many blunders and mess ups on a daily basis, if He extends that grace to me, who am I to withhold grace from someone else?

Fill In the Blank Friday

I'm lacking creativity today, so I'm doing the copycat thing. Thanks Melissa!

You should do it too. 

If my house was on fire and I could only grab 3 things, For sure I'd grab my jewelry, my journals, & the 2 stuffed animals that I've had since childhood

A smell I really like is Baby Lotion. It makes me think of sweet little babies cuddled up next to you. I love it! 

Something you might not know about me is regardless of what I say, I care about people, a lot. I want to fight the fights for the underdog, my heart breaks to see others broken. I am horrible at ending relationships/friendships because I hate for things to be undone. So if I end something, you know it was bad bad bad and could not be fixed.

Some of my favorite websites to putter about on are Blogger is actually one of my favorites because I hop around to different blogs and read everyone's ramblings. I also frequent the websites of my former boss and other groups we were on tour with, just to see what's going on, or if they have a concert anywhere near me.

This weekend I will work. It's what I do. AND after I work on Saturday, I'll drive to Austin to have dinner with my good friend Jodee who's in town from Iowa on business. I'm very excited to spend some time with her!

Nothing makes me happier than random gifts and phone calls. I hate the phone, but those calls from people that live far away or that I don't get to spend time with that often just to say hello or I'm thinking about you, totally make my day, The same with random gifts - there's no point to it, I just want to let you know you were on my mind. LOVE!

A bad habit I have is right now I think my bad habit is I'm over committed to work. I love my job, and so sometimes there's a tendency for it to not feel like a chore to be here all of the time. But the result is that I'm tired, and my life is becoming this place. I need more, but I also need help here, there's too much for one person, which is why I feel the need to always be here. It's a vicious cycle.


So there it is - my random ramblings for today. I'll try to update this weekend with something that has more substance. :)

Fill In The Blank Friday

I got this from The Bigger(s) Picture who got it from The Little Things We Do And I thought it was a cute idea so I'm jacking the idea and playing along. Feel free to do so too!

1.   My favorite quote is       Is much longer than a line. It's kind of my life quote, by Cardinal John Henry Newman. "God has created me to do Him some definite service.

He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another. I have my mission. I may not know what it is in this life. But I shall be told in the next. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons. He has not created me for nothing. I shall do good. I shall do His work. Therefore I will trust Him. Whatever I do, wherever I am, I cannot be thrown away. If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him. If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him. He does nothing in vain. He knows what He is about."

2.  A bad habit I have is    I tend to over commit or I don't commit at all. It's something I actually despise about myself. In an effort to make time for everyone I tend to commit myself to multiple things, but often ending up cutting my time short with people to make "time" for everyone. And then knowing that I have a tendency to do that, I over correct and then don't commit at all. I'm working on this one.

3.  The first time I felt like a "grown up" was       when signed the lease on my first apartment by myself. Living by myself, paying rent by myself. That and buying my car. No co-signing, no help, it was all quiet liberating.

4.  Weekends are   sometimes a distant memory. I have come to realize that I may be a workaholic. (Or maybe I'm updating my blog instead of doing work)So my weekends as of late seem to be spent at work. This is also something I'm working on this year, spend less time at work. I've failed miserably at this so far this year.

5.  When I was a child I wished my name was     Monique. Which is actually my middle name. There was a time when I thought I'd never learn how to spell Sandrine and I got tired of people slaughtering my name.

6.  I wish        I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller. Ok, not really. I wish I could travel the world and never have to worry about money. I have a lot of wishes right now, but since I don't know who all is reading this I'm not sure I want to share all of my bidness with you. But my blogger friends I'm sure are attune to some of the things I wish for .

7.  A secret I have is       Well it wouldn't be a secret if I told you would it? I've got lots of secrets and I'm content to keep them as just that, secret .

(Silent)

Get Your Head Out of Your Butt

For days I've been wanting to post this on facebook, but I have enough conservative friends that I haven't because - well I just don't want to fight about it. And while they might check my blog from time to time it's their choice to come in and read my mental vomit. My house, my rules, I can say what I want.


I think we can all agree that what happened in Arizona last week was horrific. Our hearts have broken for every victim of such a senseless act. Simply thinking about a child being hurt, much less killed breaks my heart and it brings tears to my eyes.


Over the last couple of days these ridiculous posts have been popping up, If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, and cars drive drunk, and on and on it goes. While we all recognize that it takes someone to have the thought and pull the trigger - this seems to be such a callous - and quite honestly asshole-ish thing to say.


I'm sure I've already offended half of you with my language. Again I say - DEAL. My house, my rules, I say what I want.


A man killed those people. Agreed. But our gun laws made it way too easy to let such an unstable person have access to a weapon in which he was able to pull off such an act. Am I wrong to feel that we have some sort of responsibility to know the mental stability of who has the right to carry a gun? If the Army doesn't deem you mentally capable of serving/killing for your country why in the world would I want to put a gun in your hands on any average day??


This isn't a conservative/liberal rant, this is me talking about us as a country/government/people accepting some responsibility for allowing things to get this bad. Some would like to blame Sarah Palin. Do I think Sarah Palin is responsible for this guy choosing to kill these people. No. I don't know that for sure, I wouldn't dare put that on her. But I do think we have come to a place in time where we all have to be careful with what we say and what we put out there for crazy to jump on.


So to you, "guns don't kill people", folks out there - think of the victims and survivors of this attack and ask yourself if they feel the same way. Do they want to hug and thank the business that allowed this man to have a gun? Do the parents of that 9 year old little girl give a damn about pencils & misspelling? I don't care if you have a gun or not. I'm not against guns, but I do think we need to be more careful about who we let have them.


Rant Over.


Thank you and Good Day

Reflecting

I really can't believe that we are getting ready to end 2010. This year has passed by with so fast, yet when I think on the things that happened this year they almost feel like a lifetime ago.


The year started out in an excited rut (how's that for oxymoron?). I had met someone I was so excited about and felt like "this was finally it", but also in a job that was good, but it wasn't what I wanted my forever to be and I felt like I would be stuck there forever. 


Needless to say it only took a few months to find out that the "this is finally it" was actually dysfunction junction and that someone I had called friend for years was actually a manipulative liar. It was happy times let me tell you! But in the midst of all of that hurt and crazy I found myself surrounded by amazing friends, a great church, and a new job.


The job is amazing - it of course has it flaws, (what job doesn't?) but it has been great to be excited about what I'm doing and enjoying who I work for/with. My church continues to bless me and makes me happy that I can call it home. And my friends...I wish everyone could have friends like mine. They really are amazing people, and I can't imagine having journeyed through this year without them.


Things I would change about this year.... There's only one thing I would change about this year and there's still time to fix it - the rest ehe, I chalk it up to life/learning experiences.


I'm excited for 2011. I don't have a clue what's in store for the next year, I'm not even going to set up expectations for what I "hope" or think might happen. I will just let the year surprise me. I do, however  anticipate that it will be one of my greatest years yet.


I hope that you end 2010 with no regrets and I wish great things for your 2011.


- Sandrine

Time

One week ago marked 4 years of living back in San Antonio. It is officially the longest time I've lived anywhere in my adult life. I'll be perfectly honest and say, that thought causes much anxiety for me. I think back when I was moving around every year with my BG job, and the thing I craved/longed for the most was stability. To be in one place for longer than a year - to have everyday friends, to have a regular church, etc... The grass definitely looked greener on the other side. I do love the things that come with being in one place, but I also miss the chance to start anew in a different place, with new people. The grass wasn't as green as I thought, but at least it's not dead.


Two years ago this month a friend showed me that they couldn't be trusted, yet I chose to let that person back in for another chance. I was also at what I felt to be a crossroads of sorts in my life, deciding what it was that I was doing in my life, why exactly I moved back here (still trying to figure that one out btw.) I wish the me now could tell the me then a couple of things; people tell/show you exactly who they are - believe them and let them go. I would also tell that Sandrine that in two years, she still won't have it all figured out. It might be another 4 years before she ever does, and I'd tell her that good things are coming - stand strong through the crap and the moments of heartbreak and disappointment, good things are definitely coming. Better friends, a better job, I wouldn't tell her that a better guy is coming because I'm still waiting on that one. :)


A year ago this month I made a new friend. We laughed together a lot and we got to know each other quickly. I look back at the months we spent forming our friendship and they still make me happy. I don't even know that they realized what a major part of my life they became. But they were. A few months ago it all kind of fell apart, and while they are still there, it's not what it was. I don't think it ever will be. And to be honest that makes me sad. I should have talked to the me from two years ago and I'd know what to do differently.


This year life has done a 180. I'm in a job that I truly love. Sometimes it drives me crazy and I want to scream, but even through all of that I love it. I have friends old and new that are amazing. They have/are walking through life with me good and bad speaking truth when needed, laughing through the funny, & ridiculous, and are hopeful for whatever my future has in store.


I think about Sandrine 4 years ago and I have a hard time remembering her. I feel like she and the me now are two totally different people. I think about the me two years ago and I think about how hopeless she felt at times and I can see how far she has come. I look over the last year with mixed emotions,  there were high Highs, and lows so low I think I'm still trying to recover from them. 


This year has flown by but I'm looking forward to what the next year has in store for me, whatever it may be. I've been feeling restless lately, but maybe that's just growing pains...