I Give Up

I am tired. I'm tired of life not falling into place. I'm tired of feeling like "this is it," only to be met with dissapointment. I'm tired of being overwhelmed with taking care of one, only to feel like I've neglected 1,000. I'm tired of my junk and I'm tired of everyone else's frivolous crap. And I'm tired that I'm tired.

So I give up. I'm going back to square one, whatever that may be. I don't know what it looks like, but it can't be more dissapointing than now. Maybe by going back and I can figure out where it all went wrong.

Counseling for .05

A friend in crisis jokingly said tonight - you need a red phone and a blue phone. One is your friends in crisis and the other is the good time friends. Sadly these days I feel the blue phone would rarely ring.

The Bible says that God never gives you more than you can handle. He must think I'm one of those ridiculous female body builders with crazy big shoulders. Career plans, breakups, death, divorce, health, mental health everyone seems to have an issue. And while it is heartwarming and touching that so many of my friends, and even mere aquaintences think of me when life throws them off the track, it also exhausts me. How do I do it all and deal with my very own real life unfolding drama? How do I offer support, and listen without my emotions getting involved? Is it even possible to not get emotionally involved? I am drained. If I stop moving I sleep. If I am not actively doing something my mind is in their turmoil, how do I help, can I help, will this ever end. And in the midst of it all I want to say the things be the person Jesus would be if he were there in the flesh. Where did I get this job and this responsibility? And why?

Forgive me for my whining. But I worry - I worry that I will not say the right thing, that I'm not doing the right thing. I want to have answers for these hurting hearts, but often times find that I don't. Is being an ear and a physical presence enough? How do I offer emotional support and not lose myself in those emotions to?

While I try to figure it all out, I have to bring this to a close. The phone is ringing and there are tears to be shared.

Dumb Americans

The Washington Post recently did an article surround the book, The American Voters Revisited. In the 60's four professors from the University of Michigan did a study of the American voter. They found that many Americans are uninformed and clueless as to what their party and/or chosen candidate stood for.

Now almost 50 years later it appears that Americans remain unchanged. We are just as ignorant if not more so regarding their parties and where the candidates stand on the issues - or even what the issues even are. They are simply voting a certain way because that's the way the parents/families have always voted.

Could this be why we are losing our status as one of the most powerful nations? Are we making a mockery of all that our troops have fought for and are fighting to protect? As we come upon this election I challenge and encourage everyone to dig deep. Find out what your candidate is about. What are their plans for our country? How will those plans effect you, your children, and your parents.

To be perfectly honest there are things that I don't like at all about my candidate of choice, I disagree with his stance on some of the issues. But in my heart, I feel like he's the right one for the job. Some of the issues even though they are bothersome to me are not the "real issue". In some regards I think we've become obsessed with trying to stop or cure, or even argue the symptoms, rather than dealing with the sickness itself. It is my hope that my candidate of choice will do just that. But time will tell.

With the state of our economy and the wars and rumors of wars surrounding us, we cannot afford to approach our politics flippantly.

The choice, truly is yours......

Self Imposed Isolation

I feel like all of my recent blogs start with an apology for my absence.... So maybe I shouldn't wait so long between blogs?? Just a thought.

I have been M.I.A for a while now, on the blog front and the social front. To start things off June was crazy month filled with my bff from childhood getting married in San Francisco. That was good fun but a quick and crazy trip. From there back to San Antonio where my Mom ventured down to, while having a month long break from work. (nice ehe?)

Anyway, with Mom being here I got to be a serious recluse, sans Lindsay's wedding coordinating. I had a few friends complain that they still haven't met my Mom, but I had to explain...She is my VBFF, and because we get to see each other so infrequently I am so crazy jealous and selfish of my time with her. So much of her time here was us hanging out with the fam, we did see a few of her old friends that she hadn't seen in 10+ years. So with all of that it brings us to now. Mom went back to Tennessee (sad) and I've been working and job hunting.

Yes - the great job search is on once again. I started to realize a few days ago it was over a year ago that I left Granberry and went on my great roadtrip, and now it is quickly approaching a year from the time I arrived back and started doing "temp" work for the wedding guide. A YEAR AGO! And I'm still here. It's so past time to move on.

The fam is crazy and overflowing with issues so that's been a time consumer. So basically I've been dwelling in the land of me. I have no idea what's going on with anyone, sans Jenny, Monica & Lindsay - Lins & Mon I see everyday and Jenny and I talk frequently.

So what's going on with all of you? I have to admit I haven't even been reading blogs! So fill me in!

It's back

For 10 years my life was about moving every year. Not just for the joy of moving, but for work. It was fantastic, if you loved a place , although it was hard to leave, you were glad for the time you had there. If you hated it, well you only had to suffer through it for a year.

When I stopped traveling it was all about stability - how could I have a real life and ever have a meaningful relationship if I were moving all of the time? If I could reach back in time I'd slap that naive 25 year old and tell her to stay where she was and enjoy what she had. Since "settling down" I feel as though I stay in a constant state of discontent. Perhaps my heart truly is that of a wanderer.

But in the midst of my desire to "wander" I wonder (I wonder as a I wander... I think that's one of my fave Christmas songs!) I digress... I wonder in the midst of all of this roaming if I am just searching. When I was a kid or even 10 years ago I could tell you what I wanted to do with my life, what I wanted to be when I grew up, what I was passionate about. And as of late it seems to have become this gray fuzzy lump that has no clarity. Maybe I'm just looking for the thing that motivates me again.

So how do you find your passion again? How do you get back to the main road when the detour you've taken is so off the beaten path you can't even see the little bread pieces you laid out for yourself to find your way back?

Meanwhile that itch is back - waiting and ready for you to move, to change your surroundings, and get away to something new and different yet, always familiar.

Decision Time

Dormant: marked by a suspension of activity: as a: temporarily devoid of external activity dormant volcano> b: temporarily in abeyance yet capable of being activated

Active: characterized by action rather than by contemplation or speculation active life> 2: producing or involving action or movement

Dreams: (3) a strongly desired goal or purpose dream of becoming president> b: something that fully satisfies a wish : ideal

It is an interesting interaction when the 3 meet. Only you can decide the outcome. Fear dwells among them, but it is your choice if the fear will motivate you or hinder you.

The clock is ticking frantically. It's time to make a decision.....

I'm a bad blogger

I know! It's been weeks since I've updated and weeks upon weeks before that last one. Not that there's isn't anything going on. In fact there's too much going on, none that I'm ready to share with the world yet though.

So what can I tell you? I can tell you that I'm in a reading frenzy. I just finished a book, Hopeless Romantic by Harriet Evans. It was a great book and long. It last a whole 4 days! I've been reading a lot of books lately where the main character has some sort of relational issues. And sadly with each one I think "I'm that girl!" Even sadder - they all have different issues, which means I need to get into therapy ASAP. Not really, because even with my issues more times than not I find that I'm very content with where I am relationally.

I have decided however in recent weeks that I am cutting back on the married friend time. Nothing against them. I just need to be around people who are where I am in life and who haven't been struck with amnesia and have no recollection of what single life was like. Yes, I'll fall in love someday, but not today. And no I don't want you to "find me a husband" nor do I want you to think that you've found my perfect match just because you know a guy who's single, and I'm single therefore we are made for each other. I am constantly amazed by the people that friends and acquaintances want to fix me up with. I want to say "Do you even know me???" How did you think this person might kind of sorta be my type? It's moments like those that a convent and a retreat center hidden in the Himalayas sounds so very appealing.

I'll let you know when I find the retreat center and where to forward my mail soon...

- Drine